Things you don't want to hear from a surgeon

I went to see a surgeon today a Colon Rectal surgeon. The first surgeon I had called me to cancel which saved me trouble of having to cancel on him. But back to the story. So I went to see the surgeon and after getting probed and examined, with lube, he stood back and did the usual "hmm" that doctors love to do. He told me everything looked normal and I explained once again that the issue was primarily with the bleeding and long term use of prednisone and 6-mp as I do have a history of cancer in my family already and ran a substantial risk of getting it myself. He wrote some stuff down then told me to wait a moment. He proceeded to leave the room and when he returned he said "I'm not the best surgeon (oh oh) but! I do know one at USC that I went to school with (interested) and he was at the Cleveland Clinic" (Score!) (for those that don't know that is THE PLACE for GI diseases) and so he told me to call him and let them know that he was referring me. This means that I'm back to square one as I wait for my GI to call me about his referral to a surgeon at UCLA, I do plan on calling today after they get back from lunch and inquiring at the very least about which doctor it is as well as telling them about the doctor at USC (Dr. Anthony Senagore for anyone interested) and will hopefully get surgery before the end of summer. I will keep you all informed. And so this experience has inspired me to search far and wide for the following list of what you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!