Thursday, March 31, 2011

GI Jokes and Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming


Terrible Constipation
A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.

The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.

2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.

The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.

“So why the long face?” asked the doctor.

“Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock ! ! !” replied the patient.

Every Time I Fart, It Sounds Like the Word Honda

This guy went to the doctor and said to him “Doctor….I don’t know
what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word

“That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you
think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.”
And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.

After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say
“HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man
to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up
the guys mouth and examining it.

The dentist says “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.”

The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”…..The
dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”

The guy says “Yeah….so….What has that got to do with my farts?”

The dentist replies, “Cant you see??….. Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”

Every Time He Spoke, He Farted

A man went to the doctor complaining that every time he spoke, he farted.

“You must (FFFaaaart….) help me, Doc. Its extremely (whwhwhiiiiffffle…) embarrassing. The only (Phhheeeeeeooooowwww….) saving grace is that the farts don’t (sssssphphrrrrrroophphphphphph….) smell.”

“Hmm!” said the doctor, “I’ll have to send you to a specialist.”

“Will that be a gastro-enterologist (Faaaaaaart) or a surgeon?” said the patient.

“Neither,” said the doctor. “I’m sending you to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist. If you think those farts don’t smell, then you’ve got something wrong with your nose ! !”

All The Parts of the Body Argued Over Who Would be Boss

Who’s the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days…

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…

Just an Arsehole.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Los Angeles County Take Steps Kick Off Event Party

I know that most of you live closer to the OC than to LA at least in terms of where most of the events are located at but I encourage any and all of you that can attend the L.A. kick off event to go in order to support your fellow brothers and sisters in toilet and above all, have a great time!

You can also look them up on Facebook by clicking here.

Click picture to enlarge.

Midweek Total Update

Alright kiddies we have currently raised a total of $1635 $1660 counting all of the fundraising until today. This means that we are currently at 33% of our primary goal of $5000 with 88 days remaining. However if we surpass that goal then our secondary goal is $10,000 dollars which I am confidant that we can make by the day of the walk or within days of it.

We still have two more support group meetings, a planned yard sale and additional fundraising ideas that will help us achieve that goal as a group, but we still need you guys to raise funds as individuals and I am more than confident that you can all do it. Don't forget about the Take Steps Kick Off Events in L.A. and in the OC on April 9th and 10th (respectively). I have already posted the OC Kick Off Event info update and will soon post the LA Kick Off Event updates as soon as I get off my ass and look up the e-mail they just sent me. Don't forget to reserve by their respective dates and a couple of us are planning a secret incursion into Disneyland following the OC event please feel free to join us!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Update for Orange County Take Steps Kick Off Party

Ladies and Gentlemen here is the update for the 2011 Orange County Take Steps Kick Off Party.

It will be held at the ESPN Zone in Downtown Disney where we have the privilege of having use of the restaurant portion of the fine establishment. So there will be food! Drinks! And more importantly BIG SCREEN TVs!

It is located at 1545 Disneyland Drive at 11:00 am to 1:00 pm. Bring your friends! Bring your loved ones! Leave the pets at home!

We will be provided with beef sliders, chicken tenders, chicken wings, chips and dip and some veggies, so if you can't eat them then bring a sack lunch! Just kidding, let me know and I'll sneak into California Adventure and will grab you a turkey leg.

Remember to RSVP by April 6th with the lovely Joslynn at or at 646-717-6208. And don't forget to register for the walk at

Because I'm a Bored Dork

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You knew it was coming.... "C. Diff.:" A Tik Tok Parody

I think that this song is only marginally better than the original. As catchy as it may be I doubt it will ever make the Top 40.

Don't forget to bring your ink cartridges and used cellphones to tomorrow's support group meeting!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Take Steps Kickoff Events

Ladies and Gentlemen we have two quasi local kick off events coming up the first week of April, one for the Los Angeles Take Steps Walk and the other for the Orange County Take Steps Walk. Both promise to be fun and awesome and great and I encourage you all to attend at least one. You can find more information on the CCFA Events page but here are the basics. Bring your friends and family to show them what their support means to you!

Los Angeles Take Steps Kickoff
Saturday, April 9th
Carousel at the Santa Monica Pier
RSVP by April 1st at or by calling (310) 478-4513

Orange County Take Steps Kickoff
Sunday, April 10th
11:00am to 1:00pm
ESPN Zone at Downtown Disney
For more information or to RSVP contact Joslynn at or (646) 717-6208. Please do so by April 1st.

And please don't forget our next Support Group meeting is on March 28th! Same place, same time and please don't forget to bring your old cellphones and ink cartridges! *Update: We are currently at $1465.00, let's try to make it to $2000 by the end of the month please!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Coping With Illness

We all cope with illness in different ways. How you cope can vary based on your current health condition as well as on what stage of grief and mourning scale you are one. This scale primarily goes in this order, denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some people get stuck on one stage longer than others while others may experience the stages in different order. Regardless we all go through them in one way or another. In many of our cases we go through this twice, at least for those with Colitis we go through it when we learn of our disease and then when we must make the painful decision to have our colon removed.

I have yet to experience the second run at the mourning scale but I am confidant that when the time comes I will be ready and prepared as I cope with stress and illness through my own style of humor. I write as a coping mechanism and I enjoy dark, twisted, snarkastic humor which in many ways allows me to see the brighter side of things even when there appears to be no hope, and in a strange way the Prednisone induced mania helps a bit (I know, I know). And if anything blogging on this site has surely done wonders for my confidence and self esteem even if only two people, a Department of Homeland Security agent and three parakeets at an elderly home are the only ones listening.

But rather than going on and on about coping and grief and acceptance I found this video which in many way sums up the feelings that many of us have or will have in regards to our illness.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Poo song! Bonus Points: Colits and Poo Song! Triple Bonus Points: A Beatles Colitis Poo Song!

"Susy in the Loo with Diarrhee," by Susanna Viljanen; a parody of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" by The Beatles

Picture yourself with your bottom on fire,
With knot on your gut and a pain in your eyes
Toilet now calls you, you get there so quickly
- A girl with colitis goes by.

You empty your bowel of yellow and green
Contents of metabolism -
Look at the mirror, it's pain in your eyes
And poo comes -

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)

Ah... Ah...

Follow the symptoms of gastroent'ritis
Nausea with taste of vomit in mouth
Oligopeptides come trickling the taste-buds
They come up to harass and tout.

Loopaper reels are consumed oh so quickly
The stench is incredibly stark
Climb on the john with your rear end in fire
And it comes...

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)

Ah... Ah...

Picture yourself with no carbohydrates
Reduction on lactose and no chocolate pies
Drink just warm water and antibiotics -
The girl with colitis goes by

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)

Courtesy of amIright Site Logo

Monday, March 21, 2011

Update... and Now with Pages on the Side Bar! Look and Click!!---------->

Congrats guys! We are currently at $1,365.00! That means that we are currently 27% of the way to our goal and with a bit under 100 days remaining I say that we have a really good chance of reaching $5000 or more. Keep in mind we still have the March, April and May support group meetings before the walk as well as several great fund raising ideas.

Our next support group meeting will be Monday, March 28th at the Los Alamitos Medical Center, the same poo place and the same poo time. The lovely Alison will be sending a reminder and please don't forget to bring any and all used printer ink cartridges as well as any cell phones that you have no use for as we are collecting them for one of our fundraisers. As far as I'm aware we may have a yard sale being planned for next month or the following month so stay tuned for more information regarding that.

Once again congrats on reaching this important goal, more information will follow as it becomes available!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

This weekend

This last Friday I attended a concert with friends and I am happy to say that not only was it fun but my body was amazingly cooperative. I admit that I apprehensive about going to the venue as it's often the case with me that the later the time of the day the frequency to go to the bathroom increases. The venue was scheduled to start at 8:30 pm and end sometime after midnight. It ended closer to 2 am.

However I had already bought the ticket and had already let my friends know that I was going to carpool with them since the venue was at the Troubadour in West Hollywood where parking is virtually non existent, and not being one to disappoint I decided to throw caution to the wind and go. After all I'm still young and it would do me no good to stay at home and then wonder about all the "what if's," so I went. I had a couple drinks (Jack and Coke, my go to drink) and enjoyed the music and atmosphere never really worrying about the possibility of having to use the restroom. That is not to say that I had not already mapped out the location of each and every single restroom but that was the furthest thing from my mind as there were better and much more interesting things to think about, the band for one and... well other things. Let's just say that blue hair was involved. But I digress.

Since my friends are really close friends with the headlining band we stuck around for an extra hour before heading out to Canter's Deli where at 3 in the morning I decided to pass on the pastrami, which although heavenly delicious was a bit too heavy for me, and went with a burger. I finally got back to Anaheim where I spent the night at around 4 in the morning and somewhere shortly after went to sleep, waking up by 8 with no difficulty nor feeling the pains and aches that I usually feel after a long night, which I suppose means that my body is getting healthier from where it was even a year ago and quite possibly thinking positively during the night helped as well.

I suppose that the moral of this story is to not be afraid and enjoy yourself. Be free of that fear that all of us experience when we are confronted with something that is outside our norm and simply go with it. Worst case scenario is that you crap you pants, best case scenario you leave with good and happy memories as well as new friendships and an experience well worth sacrificing your security net for the night. And yes I'm ready to do it all over again.

Upcoming CCFA events

There are two CCFA events coming up soon, these are educational and informative events for those suffering from an IBD and their families and loved ones. The presenters are great, very knowledgeable and know what it feels like to suffer the suffering that we suffer. If you can please try to attend one of the following two events, they may have cookies and donuts!

Understanding Inflammatory Bowel Diseases: What Every Patient Needs to Know.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
1:00 - 3:00 PM
Courtyard Marriott, Riverside, CA


The Los Angeles Spring 2011 IBD Patient and Family Education Conference: How to Manage IBD

Saturday, April 16, 2011
8:15 AM - 2:00 PM
Covel Commons Building
Sunset Village, UCLA
Los Angeles, CA.

List of Speakers is five posts down.

For more information on either event please feel free to contact Lindsay Brown at, or call (310) 478-4500

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Update and More

We are currently at $865.00 with a bit over a hundred days left to go. Guys I know we can do this and are doing okay especially since the bulk of donations tend to come as we get closer to the event. And today being St. Patrick's Day I was involved in a Leprechaun hunt at work where I was enlisted to find the whereabouts of 24 missing Leprechauns that had escaped from the compound that they were held at and were being studied for since 1971.

And in celebration of St. Patrick's Day here are some Leprechaun jokes. They may or may not be poo related, it all depends on what the Internets give me.

Poop, Shut up and Manners from-Joke Buddha

One day a couple of kids named "Poop", "Shut-Up", and "Manners" were on a bus. All of a sudden Poop falls out of the window! Manners jumps out of the bus to save him.
So, Shut-Up runs to the bus driver to get some help. The bus driver asks him,
"What's your name?!"
At this point the bus driver is mad. He asks, "Where are your manners?!"
Shut-Up replies,
"Outside picking up Poop."

Two lil Leprechauns...

Two lil leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, mother superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here"
"all right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"
"Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of."
"Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any Midget nuns?"
"No, I would'nt - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "well, I told you've been dating a Penguin."

The United Kingdom

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across an old Whiskey bottle and a Leprechaun pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Leprechaun.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Leprechaun's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Leprechaun's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Leprechaun explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

They Told Me There Would Be No Math

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test.
The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine." The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" "Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Let's talk about food!

Thank you Darrin for the wonderful newsletter you forwarded. And so children today's lesson will be centered on one of our most daunting adversaries, food! Yes we love it for what it tastes like but we hate it for what it does to our bodies yet sadly we need it otherwise we get stuck with a tube and an IV needle. And so ladies and gentlemen I present you with Best foods for those of us with an IBD. Enjoy!

Best foods for IBDs (source-Best Foods for Crohn's Disease)

1. Wild Salmon: Who can resist the succulent taste of the highly nutritious and tasty red meat of the king of freshwater fish, the salmon. It does cost a bit more than your off the shelf can of tuna but it's oh so worth it for the occasional meal as it not only soothes and stimulates your taste buds but also provides a healthy boost of Omega-3 & vitamins A,D,E and K. All highly valuable in fighting inflammation and giving us a healthy boost of much needed vitamins.

2. Yogurt: What else needs to be said? It provides calcium in a safe, easy to handle, easy to digest format and you can even make it tasty by adding additional ingredients to it. Keep in mind that plain yogurt works best as the colorful one, although tasty and fun to look at tends to lack the same amount of nutritious qualities that your body needs.

3. Smooth Nut Butters: I'm talking about peanut butter, almond butter, soy nut butter, not... FOCUS PEOPLE! The dating post was several posting back! Yes smooth nut butters work wonders, they are easy to digest, high in protein and best of all you can spread them on bread, tortillas, pita bread, flat bread, crackers, cookies or eat it with a spoon. They also provide fiber, vitamin E, niacin and calories for those of you struggling to gain weight.

4. Eggs: Yes eggs. I love them although I know that some people are kind of put off by them, but please hear me out! Eggs have iron, and plenty of protein they also have vitamin D and lecithin which is helpful in helping your body absorb vitamins A,D,E and K. But remember everything in moderation as too many eggs can lead to high cholesterol and we have enough problems to have to worry about that as well.

5. Whole Grain Pasta: Now pasta is bad to me, I love it but it's bad to me. However I also love to put stuff in it that may be the reason it's bad to me. Disregarding my own personal experiences with the devilishly heavenly stuff it is a great source of vitamin B. However it also has a good amount of fiber so please eat it, enjoy it but always in moderation.

6. Fresh Lean Beef: Need I say more? Beef is good, unless you have qualms against eating anything with a name that looks kinda cute and adorable on Far Side cartoons. But that aside it tastes good. It's also a great source of iron, calcium and vitamin B-12, minerals and vitamins that us that bleed a lot need a lot more of than our "normal" peers. But once again, in moderation. (I see a theme here.)

7. Potatoes, White and Sweet: Both sweet potatoes and white potatoes are dynamic and versatile foods that are a staple in our diet, whether at breakfast, lunch, or dinner you will probably have one or the other of this wonderful food with you main course, unless the potato is your main meal. Personally it's my number one comfort food. Oh hash browns how I love thee.... But back to the potato. It is also a great source of beta-carotene (sweet potato) and of vitamin C and potassium (potato. Just remember that boiled or baked works best, although fried is sooooooooooo much more tasty... but yes baked or boiled... baked or boiled...

8. Steel-Cut Oats: I like to stay away from anything that says oats since they enjoy to play rugby with my colon, however it is a great source of soluble fiber, slow-release, high-quality carbohydrates and you can put little pieces of apple or other fruits that you can pretend are marshmallows and feel like a kid again. It's a great breakfast food that you can make with water or give it an extra kick using milk, soy milk, rice milk or my favorite, almond milk.

9. Calcium and Vitamin D-Rich Milk: This is a tricky one as many of us cannot digest regular cow milk without the help of lactose pills. Therefore I recommend that you stock up on Lactaid pills or the equivalent if you wish to enjoy a nice cool glass of milk. There is an alternative as lactose free milk is now more readily available than anywhere in almost all major supermarket as well as several smaller ones. If cow's milk doesn't do it for you, lactose free or not, there is also calcium fortified soy, rice and almond milk. Due to malabsorption, calcium absorption and other issues I do recommend that you increase your calcium and vitamin D intake using one of these great avenues, that is unless you like talking a cocktail of supplements each and every morning.

10. Vitamin C-Rich Foods: Once again vitamin C is the key word. Unfortunately we do not absorb the required amount of it due to our GI system throwing a hissy fit and not wanting to play ball with the rest of the body. Therefore it is very important that you get this wonderful vitamin by eating whichever foods are high in it. Vitamin C is also incredibly helpful in aiding the absorption of iron into the body which is a great boon for us anemics out there. However I will add a caveat and say that I disagree with the original author's suggestions. It was stated that citrus fruits, brussel sprouts, broccoli and bell peppers should be sought to aid in this however those may harm some of us while not affect others. So be cautious in regards to fruits and vegetables. I love citrus but sometimes it can bee too much to digest, the solution is get a Juicer! All of the benefit and flavor without any of the seeds and stringy, fiber like stuff that could rub my colon raw. I cook with bell peppers for flavor but I make sure that they are really soft and can be cut with a paper napkin before eating them as that ensures that it would be easier to digest and run through the intestines. As for broccoli, as much as I love it the threat of gas and the pain that it brings upon me is far to great to risk eating more than an accidental nibble.

This list is in now way exhaustive and should only be seen as suggested foods and not as a definitive guideline. Use moderation and do a test run of foods using small portions in order to see how your body reacts to it before trying it. And as always please consult with you physician before making any substantial changes to you diet and please be aware of any and all food allergies you may have.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Good News and Bad News

Good News: So far we have raised $825.00 for the Poo Crew!
Bad News: More bad jokes stolen from the Internets by yours truly.
-much Love, Jorge

Since we spend an obscene amount of time in bathroom stalls here are some helpful ideas to pass the time, namely by annoying the person in the stall next to yours. Enjoy!

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

Shamelessly borrowed from:

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I gots nothing so instead I give you this...

In the midst of a rather busy week and time change I have not had the time of think up of a topic for a new blog post and as always any suggestions are highly appreciated. So here's this!

So you have an IBD.

Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
But mom!
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
A what?
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
You want to stick a what in my what?
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Soooo how big is this camera?
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.

To be continued…

Friday, March 11, 2011

Spring 2011 IBD Patient and Family Conference

Alright gang the Spring IBD conference is coming up in April. It will take place on Saturday April 16th from 8:15am to 2:15pm. You don't have to stay for the whole thing but it's always nice to see what varies authorities and peers have to say in regards to their own experiences or efforts in dealing with the various IBDs. Registration is $10.00 but they will not turn anyone away due to financial hardship.

The details:
Saturday, April 16, 2011
UCLA Covel Commons
330 DeNeve Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90095

There are three ways to register:
Register online at
By phone: (310) 478-4500
or my mail: CCFA Greater LA/OC Chapter
ATTN: Conference
1640 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Ste. 214
Los Angeles, CA 90025

I have included a scanned copy of the agenda please contact Darrin, myself or the CCFA or any of its representatives for more information if you are interested in attending. Thanks!

Click picture to enlarge.

They may have donuts!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dating and IBD or Bad Dating Advice from Jorge (no not really)

Dating for most normal people is a difficult venture, for those with a chronic illness it can seem like an impossible task, but it's not as daunting as it may seem. First of all let me state that I am in no way an expert in dating, if anything I may be the last person to give advice based on experience since I am somewhere near 2 for 1000 which for those that like to keep track of that type of data is far, far from being impressive. However, I know how to research, I know how to observe and listen to the problems of others and I can put all that data together and come up with observations therefore these are those very observations. Feel free to message me or comment if you feel that I have left anything out or perhaps misrepresented something. Keep in mind that I am also approaching this primarily from a male point of view so things may be biased in that direction.

As I stated earlier, dating for normal people can be difficult and that is where I will start our story. In today's dating world you essentially have two options, real world dating or virtual dating, online dating sites having taken the place of video dating and personal ads in the paper. Both of these formats work rather different than one another, if anything they work almost opposite of the other, at least initially. In real world dating you meet someone, you get to know them and then progress from there. Sometimes it may be nothing more than a fling or a night of drunken debauchery, other times it may lead to a lifetime commitment. In virtual dating you often, as there are a couple of exceptions (online communities, chat rooms, etc) you often get to know about a person through the information on their posted profile and then decide if you want to progress forward to a real world meeting where you will verify if they really are what they claim to be.

It is at this stage where those such as us, those with chronic illnesses run into problems. You can be a brilliant writer, and absolute romanticist who know exactly what to write to win over the woman of your dreams, but if you neglect to mention that you have a tiny little problem then it can lead to major issues if they find out in the most unfortunate of ways. But what is one to do? After all you do have to eventually tell a potential partner that you have an illness, some may take it well, some may run away leaving you broken and depressed not knowing what to do. Let's focus on that.

First of all remember that the number one thing you have to have when you plan on dating is confidence. You will hear it everywhere from everyone and yes it is the most important thing. It's not money, it's not cars, it's not even a job or living on your own, simply put it's confidence and everything else falls in place. This applies to everyone, to every single living creature that can form a single cognitive thought in their brain. Confidence. Now I know that you are thinking "How the hell am I supposed to be confident if I can crap in my pants during the date?" Easy. Come to terms with that fact. It's that simple. Granted simple in this case isn't as easy as counting to three but once you own your illness, once you come to terms with it and are not letting it run your life then you can begin to start dating.

After all, if you can't fully accept yourself for who you are, with all your defects and imperfections, all your weaknesses and tribulations then you can't begin to work on perfecting your strengths to enhance yourself to make up for anything that you perceive as negative about you. Understand that a chronic illness is not only a physical illness but also a social one. It leads to introversion, to withdrawal from society, to depression or worse in some cases. But don't let it get that far. Taking time off from life to reflect and regroup, to understand what is going on with your body and essentially your self is always good. But don't stay there for too long or opportunities will pass you by and the what if's are far worse than the actual attempts and rejections that you may receive. It is here where the steps of grief and mourning come in useful. Learn them and use them as once you complete them all you will understand not only your illness, but yourself as well. You may ask, "but what am I mourning? What has died?" Exactly. That is exactly what you are mourning. Once you can answer those questions you will understand why it's important to mourn and move on.

1: Denial "It can't be true."
2: Anger "Why me? It's not fair!"
3. Bargaining "I promise you that if I get cured I will help feed the homeless!"
4: Depression "My life sucks, why should I care about anything, I have no future."
5: Acceptance "It's okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass."

Once you accept your illness and accept yourself you are ready to date. The question that know remains is how? I suggest that if you choose to seek a potential partner in a real world setting then avoid bars and clubs and trendy places where people are out to pretty much just get laid. That is not to say that you shouldn't just seek pleasure for a night but do so only if you are confident and mentally healthy enough to handle it, otherwise your night may end with disappointment and ridicule. I do recommend the following places:
School, but be cautious.
Volunteer at events or for an organization that you have an interest in.
At a religious event, mass, church, temple, etc. But please be of that religion or have an interest in that faith, unless it's a multi denominational event then feel free to mingle.
Join a group that caters to a particular hobby or interest of yours.
Parks, libraries, coffee shops and bookstores only and only if you think you can pull it off. Otherwise let the people be as it may make you appear desperate.

Not recommended:
Work. For multiple reasons try to avoid.
Hospital. Yes we spend a lot of time there but that doesn't mean that it should be your prowling grounds, leave that up to the professionals AKA the elderly.
Mail Order Brides. Bad idea, trust me on this.

As for online dating the best I can say is to be yourself. Don't over-represent yourself but at the same time don't seem too demeaning to yourself. Have a friend of the opposite sex go over any potential profile in order to give you feedback. Illustrate your strengths, highlight your best features and give it a go. I would avoid mentioning any illness straight off the bat until you see how comfortable you two are together but you will have to give full disclosure at latest withing the first three dates. At the latest. Anything beyond that is pushing it. Above all don't fear rejection, some people are not as open minded as they claim to be and would run at the first sign of something that they perceive as being different. But don't worry, always let you partner know that you are not seeking a nurse but simply a companion after all you are and should be the best nurse for your body. And who knows eventually with enough practice, with enough rejections, and with enough trial and error you will get lucky and find that one person who likes you for who you are and for your qualities and perhaps be the beginning of something very, very special.

As for the actual date, let's cover that at a later date. First let's focus on the new you.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack

*Excerpts from "Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack" by Connie Brichford

While Crohn’s disease has a wide range of symptoms and affects each person differently, most people with Crohn's do share the need to use the bathroom frequently throughout the day. And that presents unique issues — bathroom accessibility and the ability to clean up after an attack being two big ones.

Crohn’s Disease: Start by Preventing Attacks

Pack extra medications in your tote or knapsack and keep a supply at your desk at work.
Medications are sometimes overlooked in the rush to find your keys and make a commuter bus or train. But properly following all facets of your treatment plan, including taking needed medications, is what keeps you feeling good.[Ed:I always have backup pills in my car because I know that I forget to take them from time to time.]

Crohn’s Disease: Managing in Public

-Always know where bathrooms are located.[Ed:This needs to be repeated over and over]
-Carry a change of underwear. [Ed: I have a nice little overnight pack in my car with extra underwear, a shirt and shorts and socks]
-Always have your own tissues or toilet paper. [Ed: The first aid kit in my car has a roll of TP. They also sell travel TP that will fit in backpacks, purses and even your pocket. Usually about a dollar in the travel section in pharmacies and retail stores]

Crohn’s Disease: Sharing Your Situation

Finding the balance between confidentiality and disclosure can be hard. The nature of Crohn’s attacks makes them an awkward topic of conversation, but you want people to know enough about your condition so that they understand why you might have to run to the restroom. [It] helps to tell close friends mostly so they don’t worry, or think it’s weird when [you] have to go to the bathroom all the time.

Deciding who to tell will also depend on your personal school or work situation. [P]eople who must ask to use the restroom, like schoolchildren, or whose jobs require someone else to cover for them when they take a break, might benefit from telling the appropriate people — a manager, co-workers, or teachers.

Public attacks can be among the most upsetting situations for those with Crohn’s disease, but being prepared will allow you to handle them without becoming overwhelmed and without the fear of drawing unwanted attention to yourself.

-see full text at

Alright guys!

Congrats Poo Crew we are at currently at $800.00 which means we have are almost a fifth of the way to our goal with 3 months or so remaining ( I still need to buy a calendar), so get to it in collecting those donations. On a similar note remember to bring in as many ink cartridges and cell phones to the March meeting. Ask friends, neighbors and family members for all of their old phones and cartridges as the more we collect the more we get back for the group. And last I heard we are still shooting for an April date for a yard sale to raise even more money for the walk. Remember one man's garbage is another man's treasure (at least until his wife or mom throws it away) so start your Spring cleaning now and have things ready for the biggest, most awesomeness, greatest yard sale ever. Don't worry about tagging them for prices just give an approximate price and we'll take it from there.

On a slightly different note, my desktop fried. Just thought you people should know. My netbook still works and no real work was lost but always remember, save on multiple formats so that if your computer ever fries you'll have plenty of backups. I'm sure that there will be more info to come as boredom ensues.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thank you Darrin, and Some Famous People With Crohn's

Darrin so kindly forwarded a Crohn's newsletter with plenty of useful tips and information on how to go on forward living the new normal. I will in the next few days take bits and pieces from it and summarize them for easier reading and understanding. However as I scanned the newsletter and the information on it one particular link caught my attention. This particular link highlighted several well known people that coped with Crohn's and were not afraid to live their lives and tell their disease that it was they and not it that was in charge.

The list is:
1) Dwight D. Eisenhower: West Point graduate, Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces Europe during World War II and 34th President of the United States of America. He was general and President. A war general at that during the biggest, bloodiest, most critical war that this world has ever seen. And he was President. President and General of all the Armies of Europe. Let that sink in. Yes people you can do it. Babysteps and before you know it you too may be leading an Army.

2)Cynthia McFadden: Co-anchor of ABC’s Nightline and Primetime television news magazine shows. She does lots of work with the CCFA.

3)Dynamo: Magician. Does any more really need to be said? He's a magician! A magician! No, I have no idea where I'm going with that.

4)Mike McCready: He's a guitarist from a little known band named Pearl Jam. Heard that they are pretty good. Support them by buying their music so we can try and get them out of obscurity. He also works with the CCFA.

5)David Garrard: NFL quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Okay I know that the Jaguars aren't a real, real team. But he still plays against real, real teams so to his credit he takes his shares of hits and blows and to be honest a normal person would soil themselves if they saw four 400 pound gorillas coming after them, the fact that he has never had an onfield accident with his disorder tells you a lot about his character. He too works with the CCFA.

6)Anastacia: Singer. I have nothing. No seriously, I may have heard of her but I don't remember anything she has ever done and I'm far too lazy to Google her name and pretend that I know her songs or genre. So uh, if you know who she is then you know why she sings the songs that she sings.

7)Shannen Doherty: Actress better known for her role in the original Beverly Hills 90210 as well as her time on Charmed her occasionally erratic behavior and problems with the law. Then again those problems may just have to do with being an actress and less to do with having a medical condition. But at least she admits she has the problem... the Crohn's not the occasional trouble with the law. But uh... she was on a ghost reality show or something on cable a few years ago so instead of the poo scaring the her out she scared the poo out of others.

Comments? Suggestions? Let me know.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two more wonderful fundraising ideas and an opportunity to save the planet.

Ladies and gentlemen last night we got word from Wendy that she had two fundraising ideas in play. Now these ideas didn't just come to her as in the form of an epiphany or eye opening vision or dream but instead it came to her in the form of a fish. That's right a fist. Well not exactly a fish but it sure looked like a fish but the reality was that it was an alien representative from the planet Grunk. Said representative informed her as she pulled the hook out of what she assumed was its mouth. (it wasn't, they are built to the opposite bluepring than are Terran fish), so as she pulled out the hook it told her that our wonderful blue orb of a planet was in danger of being moved out of its orbit to make way for the intergalactic version of Wal-Mart but that he had an idea on how to save out planet. You see this individual's species can only reproduce inside of ink cartridges, empty ink cartridges, unfortunately for him the ink mafia extends far beyond our little spot in the Universe out to the far reaches of space. And we are lucky as we are just short of having to pay with our first born for each cartridge that we need, they on the other hand... which explains why they need our empty cartridges.

As for the other idea, well it seems that they only way that this alien can take the cartridges home is by communicating to his home planet, sadly the only way that this can be done is using used cell phones. Something about ear wax and finger gunk on the keys that allows for the proper signal to be sent. And so he conveniently set up a web sitefor us to look over and pretend that it is all going to a noble cause. Although by extension it is, as any monies received will go to the Poo Crew and to the CCFA which will benefit us all. Namely research for colon wellness research and helps to save the planet. Or something like that. Hey, why are you still here? Go find your empty ink cartridges and old cell phones and bring them to the next meeting on March 28th!