Dating for most normal people is a difficult venture, for those with a chronic illness it can seem like an impossible task, but it's not as daunting as it may seem. First of all let me state that I am in no way an expert in dating, if anything I may be the last person to give advice based on experience since I am somewhere near 2 for 1000 which for those that like to keep track of that type of data is far, far from being impressive. However, I know how to research, I know how to observe and listen to the problems of others and I can put all that data together and come up with observations therefore these are those very observations. Feel free to message me or comment if you feel that I have left anything out or perhaps misrepresented something. Keep in mind that I am also approaching this primarily from a male point of view so things may be biased in that direction.
As I stated earlier, dating for normal people can be difficult and that is where I will start our story. In today's dating world you essentially have two options, real world dating or virtual dating, online dating sites having taken the place of video dating and personal ads in the paper. Both of these formats work rather different than one another, if anything they work almost opposite of the other, at least initially. In real world dating you meet someone, you get to know them and then progress from there. Sometimes it may be nothing more than a fling or a night of drunken debauchery, other times it may lead to a lifetime commitment. In virtual dating you often, as there are a couple of exceptions (online communities, chat rooms, etc) you often get to know about a person through the information on their posted profile and then decide if you want to progress forward to a real world meeting where you will verify if they really are what they claim to be.
It is at this stage where those such as us, those with chronic illnesses run into problems. You can be a brilliant writer, and absolute romanticist who know exactly what to write to win over the woman of your dreams, but if you neglect to mention that you have a tiny little problem then it can lead to major issues if they find out in the most unfortunate of ways. But what is one to do? After all you do have to eventually tell a potential partner that you have an illness, some may take it well, some may run away leaving you broken and depressed not knowing what to do. Let's focus on that.
First of all remember that the number one thing you have to have when you plan on dating is confidence. You will hear it everywhere from everyone and yes it is the most important thing. It's not money, it's not cars, it's not even a job or living on your own, simply put it's confidence and everything else falls in place. This applies to everyone, to every single living creature that can form a single cognitive thought in their brain. Confidence. Now I know that you are thinking "How the hell am I supposed to be confident if I can crap in my pants during the date?" Easy. Come to terms with that fact. It's that simple. Granted simple in this case isn't as easy as counting to three but once you own your illness, once you come to terms with it and are not letting it run your life then you can begin to start dating.
After all, if you can't fully accept yourself for who you are, with all your defects and imperfections, all your weaknesses and tribulations then you can't begin to work on perfecting your strengths to enhance yourself to make up for anything that you perceive as negative about you. Understand that a chronic illness is not only a physical illness but also a social one. It leads to introversion, to withdrawal from society, to depression or worse in some cases. But don't let it get that far. Taking time off from life to reflect and regroup, to understand what is going on with your body and essentially your self is always good. But don't stay there for too long or opportunities will pass you by and the what if's are far worse than the actual attempts and rejections that you may receive. It is here where the steps of grief and mourning come in useful. Learn them and use them as once you complete them all you will understand not only your illness, but yourself as well. You may ask, "but what am I mourning? What has died?" Exactly. That is exactly what you are mourning. Once you can answer those questions you will understand why it's important to mourn and move on.
1: Denial "It can't be true."
2: Anger "Why me? It's not fair!"
3. Bargaining "I promise you that if I get cured I will help feed the homeless!"
4: Depression "My life sucks, why should I care about anything, I have no future."
5: Acceptance "It's okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass."
Once you accept your illness and accept yourself you are ready to date. The question that know remains is how? I suggest that if you choose to seek a potential partner in a real world setting then avoid bars and clubs and trendy places where people are out to pretty much just get laid. That is not to say that you shouldn't just seek pleasure for a night but do so only if you are confident and mentally healthy enough to handle it, otherwise your night may end with disappointment and ridicule. I do recommend the following places:
School, but be cautious.
Volunteer at events or for an organization that you have an interest in.
At a religious event, mass, church, temple, etc. But please be of that religion or have an interest in that faith, unless it's a multi denominational event then feel free to mingle.
Join a group that caters to a particular hobby or interest of yours.
Parks, libraries, coffee shops and bookstores only and only if you think you can pull it off. Otherwise let the people be as it may make you appear desperate.
Not recommended:
Work. For multiple reasons try to avoid.
Hospital. Yes we spend a lot of time there but that doesn't mean that it should be your prowling grounds, leave that up to the professionals AKA the elderly.
Mail Order Brides. Bad idea, trust me on this.
As for online dating the best I can say is to be yourself. Don't over-represent yourself but at the same time don't seem too demeaning to yourself. Have a friend of the opposite sex go over any potential profile in order to give you feedback. Illustrate your strengths, highlight your best features and give it a go. I would avoid mentioning any illness straight off the bat until you see how comfortable you two are together but you will have to give full disclosure at latest withing the first three dates. At the latest. Anything beyond that is pushing it. Above all don't fear rejection, some people are not as open minded as they claim to be and would run at the first sign of something that they perceive as being different. But don't worry, always let you partner know that you are not seeking a nurse but simply a companion after all you are and should be the best nurse for your body. And who knows eventually with enough practice, with enough rejections, and with enough trial and error you will get lucky and find that one person who likes you for who you are and for your qualities and perhaps be the beginning of something very, very special.
As for the actual date, let's cover that at a later date. First let's focus on the new you.
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