So you have an IBD.
Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
INT:
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
INT:
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
INT:
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
Bob:
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
Mom:
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
Bob:
But mom!
Mom
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
INT:
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
INT:
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Doctor:
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
Bob:
A what?
Doctor
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
Bob:(panicked)
You want to stick a what in my what?
Doctor:
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Bob:
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
Doctor:
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Doctor:
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
INT:
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
INT:
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
I said FRUIT DRINK.
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Speaker:
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Bob:
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
Speaker:
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
Int:
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Int:
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Bob:
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Int:
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Nurse:
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Bob:
Soooo how big is this camera?
Nurse:
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Nurse:
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Doctor:
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
Int:
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Int:
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.
To be continued…
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