Saturday, February 26, 2011

Jokes from the deep dark recesses of the Internets

Humor is always important to keep and maintain in order to make it through the horrific ordeals that we must endure. Personally I have always enjoyed gallows humor also known as dark humor but with my condition I took on dark toilet humor which in itself leaves interesting visuals in one's mind. Regardless of my taste in humor here are a few selections I have shamelessly stolen from the Internet. Please feel and contribute any jokes you may have heard or simply wish to share.

Seen on a personal ad in a local paper (or the Internet):
Single man, 31, seeks female companion for recreational surgery. Twice denied for life insurance--you must be financially secure. Enjoy reading (pathology reports), sleeping-in (hospital beds) and experimenting with drugs. No salad eaters, please.

How can you tell a Crohn's patient apart from other patients when they are sleeping?

- I don't know
- The one lying on the left side with their right knee up!!

The perfect car for those with an IBD

Friday, February 25, 2011

Movies made for us

So I got bored as I usually do and as I babysat my nephews as the normal sitter had urgent matters to attend to I decided to search for movies that may have someone that suffers from Crohn's, Colitis or some other IBD as a character. Sadly I couldn't find any on the initial try but I did stumble across a Crohn's message board that asked for movie titles with an IBD twist. And so here for your amusement I present you with some of those titles which I wish I would have come up with.

Brokewind Mountain
Up, endoscope
Valley of the IBD Dolls
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stool
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Go-lytely
Harry Potter and the Fistula of Azkaban
Harry Potter and the Order of the Blood Tests
Blazing Saddles
Poopeye the Sailor
Jurassic Fart
The Godfarter
Old Stool
Close Encounters of the turd kind
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poo
Fistulas of Fury
The Toilet Paper Chase
The Diarrhea of Anne Frank
The Wedding Crappers
The longest Fart
Forest Dump
Stool Hand Luke
Hairy Farter and the Porcelain Throne
Indatoilet Jones and the Cubicle of Gas
Gone With the Wind
Star Wars Episode II - Attack of the Crohns
Revenge of the Turds
Super Pooper
For Whom The Bowels Toil
Starship Poopers
A Fart To Remember
Where the Fart Lies
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sitz
Farts of Darkness
O Toilet
Bridget Jone's Diarrhea
The Adventures of Huckleberry Fart
The Resection Adventure
Hitchhiker's Guide To The Intestine
Monty Python and the Holey Colon
The Bourne Fistula
The DeFarted
China Bowl Syndrome
Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of the Asskervilles
Fools Flush In
An Inconvenient Poop
August Flush
sh***y sh***Y bang bang

And that's it for the list. Hope you all enjoy it and once again I did not create it but simply brought it to your attention since a sense of humor is needed for fast and healthy healing.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jackie and her splendidly wonderful fundraiser idea.

As some of you may or may not know we are attempting to raise money for the Take Steps walk. As some of you may or may not know our very much loved and appreciated Jackie is in the hospital sad and depressed SO BE SURE TO SEND HER A GET WELL CARD! But more importantly she has an idea for a potential fundraiser. Did she ever tell you guys how she ended up in the hospital? No? Well this is how.

See shortly after the last time we saw her she decided to go on a pirate cruise, not so much for leisure but for business. See she was intent on raising funds for our little Poo Crew and discovered the whereabouts of Scratchy Poo's hidden treasure. And so she gathered a motley crew of deviants, misfits, and mimes and went off in search of this legendary and fabled treasure. And guess what? SHE FOUND IT! She loaded her ships and returned and took her clearly won bounty directly to the CCFA offices only to discover that they took neither Paypal nor pirate treasure. And so she had to come up with an alternative plan. And that's how she came up with her fundraising idea (click link). That's right she is going to sell and peddle and exchange her hard earned booty (not that one you pervs)for currency that the CCFA will gladly take in order to give kudos and accolades to our little Crew of Poo.

So please shoot her out feedback on if you would like to participate in this venture or possibly any other future ventures that she may have in sailing the seven seas and the oceans blue in search of lost and hidden treasure to further help our cause.

As for how she got sick? Well that's a tale for another time my friends.

Exercise, activity, staying busy and you.

No one can deny the virtues and benefits of exercise and why it's good for you. Unfortunately for most of us the social aspect of our illness makes us both unable to exercise as normal people would or even want to go out and perform any type of exercise due to the fear of having an accident somewhere along the way. However it doesn't have to be that way. Don't think of exercise for you as being the conventional exercise of walking around the block, running the track or going to the gym. After all social phobia is an unfortunate side effect of what we go through for many reasons, body image, fear of soiling yourself, embarrassment or a combination of those or other things. In cases such as those or in cases where anemia or other attributed ailments prevent you from venturing to far from the comfort and safety from home then you must take different steps to ensure that you too can get some exercise not only to strengthen the body but to help the healing process and to soothe both the mind and soul.

You can always buy exercise equipment but if you are like most people you will use it once and then discard it with the promise that you will use it again tomorrow which then after so many tomorrow turns to next year. You can also buy videos and video games as well but those also require a commitment and time set aside that you may or may not have, as well as in some cases, competing for use of the television from your kids or significant others.

Therefore what may be the best solution? Keep in mind that this is not about losing weight, about trying to look good in a speedo or even about training to run the L.A. Marathon. No we are attempting to create an exercise regiment in order to stimulate and enhance your body's healing processes, to keep your mind occupied and aware from the constant nagging thought that you might have to go to the bathroom and above all to keep you sane and to control you illness, to get independence from it and not let it control your life.

So then what do we do? Simple. Modify your daily activities to allow for some exercise within them. What does this mean? It means the following. If you are going to make mashed potatoes for dinner don't buy the pre-made ones but instead make your own. It takes longer but the process of mashing and whipping them will give you some exercise, it may give some soreness as well but the much improved taste of homemade mashed potatoes is so much more worth it. If you have dishes to wash then wash them by hand. Not only will they be free of the occasional washer crud but while you wash and dry them your mind is free to zone off and relax in a strange meditative stage.

Or if you are doing nothing more than watching television then whenever a commercial appears take the time to get up and stretch and walk to the kitchen, the other end of your house, apartment or studio. In all honesty it's irrelevant what you do and how you do it but what is important is that you do something other than simply do nothing. And once you are comfortable not simply sitting around and waiting for the urge to go to the restroom to arise then we can start talking about going outdoors and running the track or walking to the market or maybe even running the L.A. marathon.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

So you think you have a flare up

You wake up one morning and your gut is hurting, you rush to the bathroom and know that this is the beginning of an all day tribute to the porcelain god. You wonder what you can do, that is other than stock up on magazines, Gatorade and set up an Internet line to your toilet. Here are a few suggestions, keep in mind that every individual is different so something that works for someone may not work for someone else.

1. Dietary:
A light diet may be helpful, broth, jello, decaffeinated teas and Gatorade. Remember you will be losing liquids, minerals and electrolytes that need to be replenished. Even if you think that it's a good idea to avoid food because it may cut down on bowel movements it's not. If anything it can lead to dehydration, mineral deficiency and possible anemia. That doesn't mean that you should order a bucket of KFC friend skins and down it all with a gallon of cola but instead make conscious food choices that will help you see what you can and can't tolerate in order to avoid those foods in the future.

2. Exercise:
I know you want to curl up in bed, on the couch, in the tub, or on the toilet and die but don't. Try to get minimal exercise in order to promote digestion and healing. I'm not talking about running a triathlon, conquering Everest or cycling the Tour de France, but walk around the block, walk to dog, or take care of any low impact chores that may get your mind off the pain in the ass that is a flare up. Trust me it's good for you.

3. Clothing:
Dark clothing, dark underwear, NO WHITES. Because there is nothing more embarrassing than people informing you that you accidentally sat on a 99 cent burrito from Taco Bell. It's bad. I am aware that many of us would rather not leave the home when a flare up occurs but in case you have to, for say an emergency such as saving the world because your PIN number happens to be the code that the alien invaders need to avoid wiping us out, well then dress comfortable, but not in such a fashion that someone may mistake you for an animated pile of laundry.

4. Dating:
Cancel the date. No seriously, cancel. Tell them that your car blew up, that you were abducted by space pirates, that you were drafted to fight the war on bad literature turned into horrible movies, anything to get you out but that will still allow you to have a second chance date. Unless they are aware of your condition and are willing to come over and nurse you to health, in that case then play the sympathy cards. Results may vary.

5. Meds:
Yes we all hate taking them, we all hate the side-effects but even during the worse of flare-ups do not fall into the temptation to self medicate and double your doses hoping it will clear things up. It probably won't work and may instead cause your symptoms too worsen. Take your medications as directed unless told otherwise by your GI. That's your GI and not the guy across the street named Doc X who got his GED in Medicine from Online Diploma Mill U. It doesn't work that way. So take as directed and if things get really, really bad then it's off to the ER for you.

6. "Herbal remedies":
Yes as someone with an IBD you qualify for a card. Yes you live in state where you can get said card and remedies. I am neither for nor against them as they may or may not work in relieving pain and other ailments related to IBDs. But if you choose this path remember to have plenty of light snacking materials around as well as plenty of electrolyte replenishing liquids as the ensuing munchies may give you the desire to eat anything in sight. The liquid replenishment is for the liquid to be lost when your body realized that you just ate everything in sight.

7. Transportation:
If you haven't already try to get a handicapped placard or plate. This will help in case that you have to leave home to buy something. If possible get a driver but that can't always be helped. I know that some will find it strange to get a disabled person placard but it comes in handy in cases where your body needs to go and there is nowhere to park. Trust me on this. It's also helpful at sporting events, crowded malls on Black Friday and at Disneyland. Use it responsibly.

8. Alcohol:
Avoid during a flare. I don't care what the French say, avoid it. It's bad. Trust me on this.

9. Toilet paper:
This is a tricky issue since even the softest most gentle of toilet papers will turn into sandpaper if used at the frequency that it's used during a flare up. Therefore I suggest a combination of baby wipes, soft toilet paper and if possible getting a bidet seat or sprayer for your toilet. Your butt will thank you and that will be more than enough to offset the cost.

10. Friends:
Have them come over and throw a bathroom party. Play games, watch movies and come up with healthy food choices for you. I know that this sounds silly and may work better for women than men but hell guys can throw a sports themed one.

I am aware that when you are flaring you just want to die but all the same we have to try to break away from the anti-social aspects of our disease and conquer it instead of letting it conquer us. We have to own our disease, no matter how hard it is, no matter how daunting it may seem you can do it and live as normal of a life as you want it to be.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A third there to our monthly challenge!

As you all may or may not remembered we were challenged at our last meeting to raise a $1000 dollars by the February group meeting. As of today we are at $342.00 $362.00 (donation came in 10 minutes after I originally published this) which means we are a third of the way to completing our challenge. I know we can do it so let's get to it!

Take Steps and Facebook

Sadly Facebook no longer allows for badges and status bars on your Facebook page, however you can still raise money through it's app abilities. So if you didn't receive the Take Steps e-mail directing you to the Facebook app then this link should work.<------Click me! More to come hopefully.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Insert subject here

Insert message here. Test message. There will soon be a real message here taking the place of this message. It may deal with recent breakthroughs in colon treatment, in medication or other events relevant to our interests. Or it may just have a cartoon. Stay tuned. But in the meantime enjoy this:

Friday, February 11, 2011

A commercial break

And now for a word from one of our non sponsors:

The "Swash" bidet toilet seat from Brondell will guarantee a better and different toilet experience. With three different flavors to choose from all with reasonable prices they will not only save you money on toilet paper but also ensure that every trip to the bathroom is like a trip to your own personal tropical waterfall and masseuse.*

So remember if you want to treat your tooshie right, treat it with a Swash bidet toilet seat from Brondell!

*actual results may vary.

Swash bidet toilet seats by Brondell.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Contact info and member list

If any current or prospective support group members would like a copy of the current member list or would like contact information for any of our members please leave a comment here with your contact information or e-mail me at and your request will be processed as quickly as possible. Honest it will, I have a cool smartphone so all the mail goes there too.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The monthly challenge

We have been challenged! If we can raise $1000 by the February meeting we will have dinner bought for us by Jocelyn (I spelled it correctly right?) (correction: Nope I didn't it's Joslynn, sorry!). So get to it! I'm working on how to post a badge on Facebook but the picture below should link you to our team page so link it to your blog, web page or send it via e-mail!

Click to donate

On to the team page!