1. Broccoli, cabbage and other flatulence producing veggies: Yeah most of us know about avoiding these foods and although I can do without broccoli I really do or rather did enjoy eating cabbage in stews. Caldo we will miss thee.
2. Nuts: Once again to be avoided at all times, thankfully this only speaks for the nut in its normal, natural form. Paste or butter forms of it are rather okay, good thing because I have too many fond memories of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to simply let that wonder food go, plus I just discovered Nutella and prefer almond milk to all other milk varieties.
3. Milk: I was that kid that could drink a whole gallon milk in one seating, now either due to lactose intolerance, age, the UC or a combination of all of the above I must avoid it as well as most ice creams, some cheeses and certain other dairy products. Thankfully the alternatives are not as off putting now as they were when I was ma much younger lad. (Yes I used the word lad, in fact I think it should be used more often, as should dame.)
4. Carbonated drinks of all varieties: So long Coca Cola, so long Mr. Pibb, so long Mt. Dew and we will miss you Crystal Pepsi. Ah the number one choice for our obese youth and the must have refreshments at any sporting event (okay beer is the must have but you can't drink beer as a kid), but the pain of consuming you is far too great and the frequency of urgency is far to embarrassing to continue using you as refreshment.
5. Caffeine: Coffee and energy drinks to be more exact, teas I can tolerate a little bit better. I was never big on morning wake me up drinks but it's really funny and interesting to see how as a culture we are highly dependent on both coffee and energy drinks. I give all coffee drinkers a challenge out there, wake up at 4 in the morning and try to function until 10 in the evening without your coffee or energy drinks and tell me how it goes. Welcome to my world.
6. Chocolate and candy: Mainly dark chocolate or overly sweet chocolate, but it's okay in small dosages. A triple deluxe, sudden death by chocolate will make you poo cocoa flavored bricks cake on the other hand is completely off limits. Even the sight of it makes my bowels go "NO WAY JOSE!" Candy is just bad. I limit the amount I eat as it seems that the older I get the more sugar hates me.
7. Corn: One of the foods on the no no list for anyone with an IBD and not too hard to avoid but it's sad that when eating posole or menudo you must weigh the issue of whether or not you want to make it sound like the St. Valentine's Day massacre when you go use the restroom (Google it!).
8. Salads: I loved salads, in fact if I could eat a salad I would eat one daily for almost every meal, sadly salads don't love me and shouldn't be trusted as they are rather treasonous to my person. Thankfully salad's little cousin spinach does like me and helps to satisfy my "act like a rabbit for lunch" urges during the day.
9. Gravies and sauces: Any kind of gravy should be limited, and I admit I am bad at doing this since I love Italian foods and American style foods and Teriyaki and other all other wonderful taste bud stimulating culinary delights in existence, therefore I eat them in moderation and try to be careful what I eat them with in order to minimize the consequences.
10. Alcohol: Not a heavy drinker, hell I think I may have a beer every six months and a drink every eight so I'm good with that.
11. Exotic foods: Nope not gonna cut them out, unless they include something mentioned above that is a recognized trigger.
12. Fried foods: As a rule no one should eat them, realistically the only fried foods I eat are french fries and the occasional fried fish thing or other.
13. Beans: I used to love to eat beans. Sadly I can't eat them anymore. Even sadder because it's a cultural staple. Nonetheless I am willing to make the sacrifice.
14. Meat: Red meat to be exact. It seems as if red meat is not an immediate trigger that causes the urgency to use the restroom but instead one that causes further irritation and inflammation as well as bleeding of the colon. Therefore it is with great sadness that I must cut out red meat from my diet. I will still partake in the occasional breakfast sausage or even burger patty or two as ground beef is easier to digest but that will be it. So yes no more steaks, no more pot roast, no more meat loaf or cubed steak. No more caldo or carnitas or even cochinita (technically a white meat but still rather rich), and no more barbecued ribs. Oh red meat how you got me through the hard moments in life as well as got me fat. But that is all in the past as I must not substitute red meat with its avian cousin or cousin from the sea. Veggie patties will work as decent substitute, at least in pretending I am eating a burger but a poor and paltry substitute it will be. Nonetheless it is quality of health I am looking for and if you think about it red meat is most often than not the most expensive of offerings on a menu so on the long run it's also an economic decision.
And with that I will leave all of you tonight. Have a great weekend, a wonderful Easter and don't forget to bring used cell phones, used ink cartridges and stuff to sell at May's yard sale to Monday's meeting!
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