I gots nothing so instead I give you this...

In the midst of a rather busy week and time change I have not had the time of think up of a topic for a new blog post and as always any suggestions are highly appreciated. So here's this!

So you have an IBD.

Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
INT:
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
INT:
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
INT:
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
Bob:
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
Mom:
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
Bob:
But mom!
Mom
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
INT:
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
INT:
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Doctor:
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
Bob:
A what?
Doctor
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
Bob:(panicked)
You want to stick a what in my what?
Doctor:
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Bob:
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
Doctor:
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Doctor:
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
INT:
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
INT:
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
I said FRUIT DRINK.
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Speaker:
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Bob:
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
Speaker:
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
Int:
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Int:
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Bob:
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Int:
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Nurse:
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Bob:
Soooo how big is this camera?
Nurse:
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Nurse:
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Doctor:
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
Int:
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Int:
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.

To be continued…

Spring 2011 IBD Patient and Family Conference

Alright gang the Spring IBD conference is coming up in April. It will take place on Saturday April 16th from 8:15am to 2:15pm. You don't have to stay for the whole thing but it's always nice to see what varies authorities and peers have to say in regards to their own experiences or efforts in dealing with the various IBDs. Registration is $10.00 but they will not turn anyone away due to financial hardship.

The details:
Saturday, April 16, 2011
8:15am-2:15pm
UCLA Covel Commons
330 DeNeve Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90095


There are three ways to register:
Register online at http://la.ccfa.org.
By phone: (310) 478-4500
or my mail: CCFA Greater LA/OC Chapter
ATTN: Conference
1640 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Ste. 214
Los Angeles, CA 90025

I have included a scanned copy of the agenda please contact Darrin, myself or the CCFA or any of its representatives for more information if you are interested in attending. Thanks!

Click picture to enlarge.

They may have donuts!!!

Dating and IBD or Bad Dating Advice from Jorge (no not really)

Dating for most normal people is a difficult venture, for those with a chronic illness it can seem like an impossible task, but it's not as daunting as it may seem. First of all let me state that I am in no way an expert in dating, if anything I may be the last person to give advice based on experience since I am somewhere near 2 for 1000 which for those that like to keep track of that type of data is far, far from being impressive. However, I know how to research, I know how to observe and listen to the problems of others and I can put all that data together and come up with observations therefore these are those very observations. Feel free to message me or comment if you feel that I have left anything out or perhaps misrepresented something. Keep in mind that I am also approaching this primarily from a male point of view so things may be biased in that direction.

As I stated earlier, dating for normal people can be difficult and that is where I will start our story. In today's dating world you essentially have two options, real world dating or virtual dating, online dating sites having taken the place of video dating and personal ads in the paper. Both of these formats work rather different than one another, if anything they work almost opposite of the other, at least initially. In real world dating you meet someone, you get to know them and then progress from there. Sometimes it may be nothing more than a fling or a night of drunken debauchery, other times it may lead to a lifetime commitment. In virtual dating you often, as there are a couple of exceptions (online communities, chat rooms, etc) you often get to know about a person through the information on their posted profile and then decide if you want to progress forward to a real world meeting where you will verify if they really are what they claim to be.

It is at this stage where those such as us, those with chronic illnesses run into problems. You can be a brilliant writer, and absolute romanticist who know exactly what to write to win over the woman of your dreams, but if you neglect to mention that you have a tiny little problem then it can lead to major issues if they find out in the most unfortunate of ways. But what is one to do? After all you do have to eventually tell a potential partner that you have an illness, some may take it well, some may run away leaving you broken and depressed not knowing what to do. Let's focus on that.

First of all remember that the number one thing you have to have when you plan on dating is confidence. You will hear it everywhere from everyone and yes it is the most important thing. It's not money, it's not cars, it's not even a job or living on your own, simply put it's confidence and everything else falls in place. This applies to everyone, to every single living creature that can form a single cognitive thought in their brain. Confidence. Now I know that you are thinking "How the hell am I supposed to be confident if I can crap in my pants during the date?" Easy. Come to terms with that fact. It's that simple. Granted simple in this case isn't as easy as counting to three but once you own your illness, once you come to terms with it and are not letting it run your life then you can begin to start dating.

After all, if you can't fully accept yourself for who you are, with all your defects and imperfections, all your weaknesses and tribulations then you can't begin to work on perfecting your strengths to enhance yourself to make up for anything that you perceive as negative about you. Understand that a chronic illness is not only a physical illness but also a social one. It leads to introversion, to withdrawal from society, to depression or worse in some cases. But don't let it get that far. Taking time off from life to reflect and regroup, to understand what is going on with your body and essentially your self is always good. But don't stay there for too long or opportunities will pass you by and the what if's are far worse than the actual attempts and rejections that you may receive. It is here where the steps of grief and mourning come in useful. Learn them and use them as once you complete them all you will understand not only your illness, but yourself as well. You may ask, "but what am I mourning? What has died?" Exactly. That is exactly what you are mourning. Once you can answer those questions you will understand why it's important to mourn and move on.

1: Denial "It can't be true."
2: Anger "Why me? It's not fair!"
3. Bargaining "I promise you that if I get cured I will help feed the homeless!"
4: Depression "My life sucks, why should I care about anything, I have no future."
5: Acceptance "It's okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass."

Once you accept your illness and accept yourself you are ready to date. The question that know remains is how? I suggest that if you choose to seek a potential partner in a real world setting then avoid bars and clubs and trendy places where people are out to pretty much just get laid. That is not to say that you shouldn't just seek pleasure for a night but do so only if you are confident and mentally healthy enough to handle it, otherwise your night may end with disappointment and ridicule. I do recommend the following places:
School, but be cautious.
Volunteer at events or for an organization that you have an interest in.
At a religious event, mass, church, temple, etc. But please be of that religion or have an interest in that faith, unless it's a multi denominational event then feel free to mingle.
Join a group that caters to a particular hobby or interest of yours.
Parks, libraries, coffee shops and bookstores only and only if you think you can pull it off. Otherwise let the people be as it may make you appear desperate.

Not recommended:
Work. For multiple reasons try to avoid.
Hospital. Yes we spend a lot of time there but that doesn't mean that it should be your prowling grounds, leave that up to the professionals AKA the elderly.
Mail Order Brides. Bad idea, trust me on this.

As for online dating the best I can say is to be yourself. Don't over-represent yourself but at the same time don't seem too demeaning to yourself. Have a friend of the opposite sex go over any potential profile in order to give you feedback. Illustrate your strengths, highlight your best features and give it a go. I would avoid mentioning any illness straight off the bat until you see how comfortable you two are together but you will have to give full disclosure at latest withing the first three dates. At the latest. Anything beyond that is pushing it. Above all don't fear rejection, some people are not as open minded as they claim to be and would run at the first sign of something that they perceive as being different. But don't worry, always let you partner know that you are not seeking a nurse but simply a companion after all you are and should be the best nurse for your body. And who knows eventually with enough practice, with enough rejections, and with enough trial and error you will get lucky and find that one person who likes you for who you are and for your qualities and perhaps be the beginning of something very, very special.

As for the actual date, let's cover that at a later date. First let's focus on the new you.

Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack

*Excerpts from "Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack" by Connie Brichford

While Crohn’s disease has a wide range of symptoms and affects each person differently, most people with Crohn's do share the need to use the bathroom frequently throughout the day. And that presents unique issues — bathroom accessibility and the ability to clean up after an attack being two big ones.

Crohn’s Disease: Start by Preventing Attacks

Pack extra medications in your tote or knapsack and keep a supply at your desk at work.
Medications are sometimes overlooked in the rush to find your keys and make a commuter bus or train. But properly following all facets of your treatment plan, including taking needed medications, is what keeps you feeling good.[Ed:I always have backup pills in my car because I know that I forget to take them from time to time.]

Crohn’s Disease: Managing in Public

-Always know where bathrooms are located.[Ed:This needs to be repeated over and over]
-Carry a change of underwear. [Ed: I have a nice little overnight pack in my car with extra underwear, a shirt and shorts and socks]
-Always have your own tissues or toilet paper. [Ed: The first aid kit in my car has a roll of TP. They also sell travel TP that will fit in backpacks, purses and even your pocket. Usually about a dollar in the travel section in pharmacies and retail stores]

Crohn’s Disease: Sharing Your Situation

Finding the balance between confidentiality and disclosure can be hard. The nature of Crohn’s attacks makes them an awkward topic of conversation, but you want people to know enough about your condition so that they understand why you might have to run to the restroom. [It] helps to tell close friends mostly so they don’t worry, or think it’s weird when [you] have to go to the bathroom all the time.

Deciding who to tell will also depend on your personal school or work situation. [P]eople who must ask to use the restroom, like schoolchildren, or whose jobs require someone else to cover for them when they take a break, might benefit from telling the appropriate people — a manager, co-workers, or teachers.

Public attacks can be among the most upsetting situations for those with Crohn’s disease, but being prepared will allow you to handle them without becoming overwhelmed and without the fear of drawing unwanted attention to yourself.

-see full text at http://www.everydayhealth.com/crohns-disease/crohns-disease-attack-advice.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthLivingWithCrohnsDisease_20110301

Alright guys!

Congrats Poo Crew we are at currently at $800.00 which means we have are almost a fifth of the way to our goal with 3 months or so remaining ( I still need to buy a calendar), so get to it in collecting those donations. On a similar note remember to bring in as many ink cartridges and cell phones to the March meeting. Ask friends, neighbors and family members for all of their old phones and cartridges as the more we collect the more we get back for the group. And last I heard we are still shooting for an April date for a yard sale to raise even more money for the walk. Remember one man's garbage is another man's treasure (at least until his wife or mom throws it away) so start your Spring cleaning now and have things ready for the biggest, most awesomeness, greatest yard sale ever. Don't worry about tagging them for prices just give an approximate price and we'll take it from there.

On a slightly different note, my desktop fried. Just thought you people should know. My netbook still works and no real work was lost but always remember, save on multiple formats so that if your computer ever fries you'll have plenty of backups. I'm sure that there will be more info to come as boredom ensues.

Thank you Darrin, and Some Famous People With Crohn's

Darrin so kindly forwarded a Crohn's newsletter with plenty of useful tips and information on how to go on forward living the new normal. I will in the next few days take bits and pieces from it and summarize them for easier reading and understanding. However as I scanned the newsletter and the information on it one particular link caught my attention. This particular link highlighted several well known people that coped with Crohn's and were not afraid to live their lives and tell their disease that it was they and not it that was in charge.

The list is:
1) Dwight D. Eisenhower: West Point graduate, Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces Europe during World War II and 34th President of the United States of America. He was general and President. A war general at that during the biggest, bloodiest, most critical war that this world has ever seen. And he was President. President and General of all the Armies of Europe. Let that sink in. Yes people you can do it. Babysteps and before you know it you too may be leading an Army.

2)Cynthia McFadden: Co-anchor of ABC’s Nightline and Primetime television news magazine shows. She does lots of work with the CCFA.

3)Dynamo: Magician. Does any more really need to be said? He's a magician! A magician! No, I have no idea where I'm going with that.

4)Mike McCready: He's a guitarist from a little known band named Pearl Jam. Heard that they are pretty good. Support them by buying their music so we can try and get them out of obscurity. He also works with the CCFA.

5)David Garrard: NFL quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Okay I know that the Jaguars aren't a real, real team. But he still plays against real, real teams so to his credit he takes his shares of hits and blows and to be honest a normal person would soil themselves if they saw four 400 pound gorillas coming after them, the fact that he has never had an onfield accident with his disorder tells you a lot about his character. He too works with the CCFA.

6)Anastacia: Singer. I have nothing. No seriously, I may have heard of her but I don't remember anything she has ever done and I'm far too lazy to Google her name and pretend that I know her songs or genre. So uh, if you know who she is then you know why she sings the songs that she sings.

7)Shannen Doherty: Actress better known for her role in the original Beverly Hills 90210 as well as her time on Charmed her occasionally erratic behavior and problems with the law. Then again those problems may just have to do with being an actress and less to do with having a medical condition. But at least she admits she has the problem... the Crohn's not the occasional trouble with the law. But uh... she was on a ghost reality show or something on cable a few years ago so instead of the poo scaring the her out she scared the poo out of others.

Comments? Suggestions? Let me know.

Two more wonderful fundraising ideas and an opportunity to save the planet.

Ladies and gentlemen last night we got word from Wendy that she had two fundraising ideas in play. Now these ideas didn't just come to her as in the form of an epiphany or eye opening vision or dream but instead it came to her in the form of a fish. That's right a fist. Well not exactly a fish but it sure looked like a fish but the reality was that it was an alien representative from the planet Grunk. Said representative informed her as she pulled the hook out of what she assumed was its mouth. (it wasn't, they are built to the opposite bluepring than are Terran fish), so as she pulled out the hook it told her that our wonderful blue orb of a planet was in danger of being moved out of its orbit to make way for the intergalactic version of Wal-Mart but that he had an idea on how to save out planet. You see this individual's species can only reproduce inside of ink cartridges, empty ink cartridges, unfortunately for him the ink mafia extends far beyond our little spot in the Universe out to the far reaches of space. And we are lucky as we are just short of having to pay with our first born for each cartridge that we need, they on the other hand... which explains why they need our empty cartridges.

As for the other idea, well it seems that they only way that this alien can take the cartridges home is by communicating to his home planet, sadly the only way that this can be done is using used cell phones. Something about ear wax and finger gunk on the keys that allows for the proper signal to be sent. And so he conveniently set up a web sitefor us to look over and pretend that it is all going to a noble cause. Although by extension it is, as any monies received will go to the Poo Crew and to the CCFA which will benefit us all. Namely research for colon wellness research and helps to save the planet. Or something like that. Hey, why are you still here? Go find your empty ink cartridges and old cell phones and bring them to the next meeting on March 28th!