As I don't want to exhaust my current list of jokes and videos related to all things poo and butts I have chosen to take this time to examine my food no-no's as I think I have recently discovered that a certain food that I enjoy appears to be a trigger and must be limited if not eliminated from my diet. So here it goes, Jorge's list of foods not to eat.
1. Broccoli, cabbage and other flatulence producing veggies: Yeah most of us know about avoiding these foods and although I can do without broccoli I really do or rather did enjoy eating cabbage in stews. Caldo we will miss thee.
2. Nuts: Once again to be avoided at all times, thankfully this only speaks for the nut in its normal, natural form. Paste or butter forms of it are rather okay, good thing because I have too many fond memories of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to simply let that wonder food go, plus I just discovered Nutella and prefer almond milk to all other milk varieties.
3. Milk: I was that kid that could drink a whole gallon milk in one seating, now either due to lactose intolerance, age, the UC or a combination of all of the above I must avoid it as well as most ice creams, some cheeses and certain other dairy products. Thankfully the alternatives are not as off putting now as they were when I was ma much younger lad. (Yes I used the word lad, in fact I think it should be used more often, as should dame.)
4. Carbonated drinks of all varieties: So long Coca Cola, so long Mr. Pibb, so long Mt. Dew and we will miss you Crystal Pepsi. Ah the number one choice for our obese youth and the must have refreshments at any sporting event (okay beer is the must have but you can't drink beer as a kid), but the pain of consuming you is far too great and the frequency of urgency is far to embarrassing to continue using you as refreshment.
5. Caffeine: Coffee and energy drinks to be more exact, teas I can tolerate a little bit better. I was never big on morning wake me up drinks but it's really funny and interesting to see how as a culture we are highly dependent on both coffee and energy drinks. I give all coffee drinkers a challenge out there, wake up at 4 in the morning and try to function until 10 in the evening without your coffee or energy drinks and tell me how it goes. Welcome to my world.
6. Chocolate and candy: Mainly dark chocolate or overly sweet chocolate, but it's okay in small dosages. A triple deluxe, sudden death by chocolate will make you poo cocoa flavored bricks cake on the other hand is completely off limits. Even the sight of it makes my bowels go "NO WAY JOSE!" Candy is just bad. I limit the amount I eat as it seems that the older I get the more sugar hates me.
7. Corn: One of the foods on the no no list for anyone with an IBD and not too hard to avoid but it's sad that when eating posole or menudo you must weigh the issue of whether or not you want to make it sound like the St. Valentine's Day massacre when you go use the restroom (Google it!).
8. Salads: I loved salads, in fact if I could eat a salad I would eat one daily for almost every meal, sadly salads don't love me and shouldn't be trusted as they are rather treasonous to my person. Thankfully salad's little cousin spinach does like me and helps to satisfy my "act like a rabbit for lunch" urges during the day.
9. Gravies and sauces: Any kind of gravy should be limited, and I admit I am bad at doing this since I love Italian foods and American style foods and Teriyaki and other all other wonderful taste bud stimulating culinary delights in existence, therefore I eat them in moderation and try to be careful what I eat them with in order to minimize the consequences.
10. Alcohol: Not a heavy drinker, hell I think I may have a beer every six months and a drink every eight so I'm good with that.
11. Exotic foods: Nope not gonna cut them out, unless they include something mentioned above that is a recognized trigger.
12. Fried foods: As a rule no one should eat them, realistically the only fried foods I eat are french fries and the occasional fried fish thing or other.
13. Beans: I used to love to eat beans. Sadly I can't eat them anymore. Even sadder because it's a cultural staple. Nonetheless I am willing to make the sacrifice.
14. Meat: Red meat to be exact. It seems as if red meat is not an immediate trigger that causes the urgency to use the restroom but instead one that causes further irritation and inflammation as well as bleeding of the colon. Therefore it is with great sadness that I must cut out red meat from my diet. I will still partake in the occasional breakfast sausage or even burger patty or two as ground beef is easier to digest but that will be it. So yes no more steaks, no more pot roast, no more meat loaf or cubed steak. No more caldo or carnitas or even cochinita (technically a white meat but still rather rich), and no more barbecued ribs. Oh red meat how you got me through the hard moments in life as well as got me fat. But that is all in the past as I must not substitute red meat with its avian cousin or cousin from the sea. Veggie patties will work as decent substitute, at least in pretending I am eating a burger but a poor and paltry substitute it will be. Nonetheless it is quality of health I am looking for and if you think about it red meat is most often than not the most expensive of offerings on a menu so on the long run it's also an economic decision.
And with that I will leave all of you tonight. Have a great weekend, a wonderful Easter and don't forget to bring used cell phones, used ink cartridges and stuff to sell at May's yard sale to Monday's meeting!
Showing posts with label toilet paper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toilet paper. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Random Musing
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Saturday, April 2, 2011
To Poo or Not to Poo...
All of us eventually run into experience the wonderful feeling of having to go to the bathroom while being away from the safety of our own porcelain throne. It's at times like this that we must make the quick decision of where to go to heed the call of nature. This can vary depending on if you are out shopping versus if you are at a concert or even in the great outdoors. Regardless of location the situation is the same. You need to poo and you need to poo soon. And so for your mild entertainment I provide you with the where to poo and where not to poo list for the many different situations that you might find yourself in.
1. The supermarket/grocery store/most farmer's markets:
Most if not all of these establishments have an accessible bathroom that is often clean and well maintained due to the large volume of people that they tend to experience on a day to day basis. This may not apply to smaller stores but the management in those is often more than willing to accommodate you lest they want to start an E.coli colony in their produce section.
2. At church/church function/ funeral/ wedding/baptism, etc.:
God will understand if you have to miss part of any of these events due to the urgency to poo. And if not then he's a bastard because he's the one that stuck you with the urgency in the first place. Make sure to tell that to anyone that questions your need to leave halfway through the pastor's sermon.
3. A restaurant:
With the exception of taco stands, lunch trucks and Subway most of not all restaurants will have a restroom. In case you have to go and they inform you that only paying customers can use the restroom then drop a dollar bill on the counter, tell them that it's for a cup or bottle of water and grab the key. I actually did this once while looking at stars in Hollywood. The lady was nice and looking at the number of weirdos, tourists and homeless super heroes in the area I don't blame her.
4. Camping:
Does a bear...? You know the answer and the extended answer is that they sell awesomely portable toilets online and in camping/sporting goods stores ranging in price from $18 clear up to a couple hundred depending on its look, portability and waste storage and disposal features. I recommend buying one if you have the chance, you never know when you will need one.
5. School:
There are laws on your side regarding this for public K-12. You can talk to your professor as well as the disabled students services on most if not all Jr/Community colleges as well as full time universities if there is an issue with you leaving to go use the bathroom.
6. At a concert:
If an outdoor concert then use the portables, however as most concerts have more people than portables I recommend training your body to go at the point when there is less traffic at the portable, namely just as the concert is starting. Eat light so that you minimize how many times you go, or get a doctor's note and take your own toilet and stall.
If an outdoor concert then the same applies, since smoking is not allowed indoors in California most people will enter and leave in order to take care of this need and as long as you have your ticket an wristband you should be fine to do the same. If this is not possible talk to the security guy and let him know what is going on and see if he cuts you a break.
7.At a sporting event:
Plenty of bathrooms, and hell most people are so smashed by the end of the game that they probably won't notice if you have an accident.
8. While driving:
Pull over, drop trou, go. But using a camping toilet is probably a bit more hygienic and comfortable.
9. On a flight:
Get an aisle seat and talk to the flight attendants to let them know that you may have the need to use the bathroom more often than not. They may allow you to use the first class bathroom, the staff bathroom and possibly even go when no one is allowed to leave their seat.
10: At a hospital:
I know that this shouldn't be a problem but I am putting this here because of a personal experience. My grandmother spent her last days at St. Vincent's in Los Angeles and one day that I went to visit her I had the sudden urge to evacuate. The men's bathroom was nearby but was unfortunately closed due to repairs, the nearest bathroom was on the second floor. Sensing a rapidly approaching emergency I ran into the woman's bathroom, went inside the corner stall and did what I had to do. However just as I finished two women walked into the bathroom forcing me to stay there for a slightly longer period of time than I would have liked. Thankfully after they left no one else entered and I was able to egress with as minimal embarrassment as possible.
Which brings me to my next point. Ladies don't be afraid to use a men's bathroom, most men will give you a quick look, shrug, give a grunt and finish their business, men I don't recommend you go use a woman's bathroom unless you have a spotter and permission. Sorry those are the rules I don't write them.
Lastly here is my checklist for things to carry in your car if possible.
Overnight bag with a change of clothing and extra medications.
A toothbrush, not for brushing your teeth but for brushing "stuff" that may be stuck on a public toilet.
An extra roll of toilet paper as well as travel toilet paper.
Hand sanitizer and/or alcohol wipes.
Latex or latex free disposable gloves.
A travel or camping toilet.
Paper towels, cloth towels or mechanic rags.
A gallon of water, not for drinking purposes.
A can of deodorant or air freshener.
1. The supermarket/grocery store/most farmer's markets:
Most if not all of these establishments have an accessible bathroom that is often clean and well maintained due to the large volume of people that they tend to experience on a day to day basis. This may not apply to smaller stores but the management in those is often more than willing to accommodate you lest they want to start an E.coli colony in their produce section.
2. At church/church function/ funeral/ wedding/baptism, etc.:
God will understand if you have to miss part of any of these events due to the urgency to poo. And if not then he's a bastard because he's the one that stuck you with the urgency in the first place. Make sure to tell that to anyone that questions your need to leave halfway through the pastor's sermon.
3. A restaurant:
With the exception of taco stands, lunch trucks and Subway most of not all restaurants will have a restroom. In case you have to go and they inform you that only paying customers can use the restroom then drop a dollar bill on the counter, tell them that it's for a cup or bottle of water and grab the key. I actually did this once while looking at stars in Hollywood. The lady was nice and looking at the number of weirdos, tourists and homeless super heroes in the area I don't blame her.
4. Camping:
Does a bear...? You know the answer and the extended answer is that they sell awesomely portable toilets online and in camping/sporting goods stores ranging in price from $18 clear up to a couple hundred depending on its look, portability and waste storage and disposal features. I recommend buying one if you have the chance, you never know when you will need one.
5. School:
There are laws on your side regarding this for public K-12. You can talk to your professor as well as the disabled students services on most if not all Jr/Community colleges as well as full time universities if there is an issue with you leaving to go use the bathroom.
6. At a concert:
If an outdoor concert then use the portables, however as most concerts have more people than portables I recommend training your body to go at the point when there is less traffic at the portable, namely just as the concert is starting. Eat light so that you minimize how many times you go, or get a doctor's note and take your own toilet and stall.
If an outdoor concert then the same applies, since smoking is not allowed indoors in California most people will enter and leave in order to take care of this need and as long as you have your ticket an wristband you should be fine to do the same. If this is not possible talk to the security guy and let him know what is going on and see if he cuts you a break.
7.At a sporting event:
Plenty of bathrooms, and hell most people are so smashed by the end of the game that they probably won't notice if you have an accident.
8. While driving:
Pull over, drop trou, go. But using a camping toilet is probably a bit more hygienic and comfortable.
9. On a flight:
Get an aisle seat and talk to the flight attendants to let them know that you may have the need to use the bathroom more often than not. They may allow you to use the first class bathroom, the staff bathroom and possibly even go when no one is allowed to leave their seat.
10: At a hospital:
I know that this shouldn't be a problem but I am putting this here because of a personal experience. My grandmother spent her last days at St. Vincent's in Los Angeles and one day that I went to visit her I had the sudden urge to evacuate. The men's bathroom was nearby but was unfortunately closed due to repairs, the nearest bathroom was on the second floor. Sensing a rapidly approaching emergency I ran into the woman's bathroom, went inside the corner stall and did what I had to do. However just as I finished two women walked into the bathroom forcing me to stay there for a slightly longer period of time than I would have liked. Thankfully after they left no one else entered and I was able to egress with as minimal embarrassment as possible.
Which brings me to my next point. Ladies don't be afraid to use a men's bathroom, most men will give you a quick look, shrug, give a grunt and finish their business, men I don't recommend you go use a woman's bathroom unless you have a spotter and permission. Sorry those are the rules I don't write them.
Lastly here is my checklist for things to carry in your car if possible.
Overnight bag with a change of clothing and extra medications.
A toothbrush, not for brushing your teeth but for brushing "stuff" that may be stuck on a public toilet.
An extra roll of toilet paper as well as travel toilet paper.
Hand sanitizer and/or alcohol wipes.
Latex or latex free disposable gloves.
A travel or camping toilet.
Paper towels, cloth towels or mechanic rags.
A gallon of water, not for drinking purposes.
A can of deodorant or air freshener.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Good News and Bad News
Good News: So far we have raised $825.00 for the Poo Crew!
Bad News: More bad jokes stolen from the Internets by yours truly.
-much Love, Jorge
Since we spend an obscene amount of time in bathroom stalls here are some helpful ideas to pass the time, namely by annoying the person in the stall next to yours. Enjoy!
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
Shamelessly borrowed from: www.bathroomjokes.com
Bad News: More bad jokes stolen from the Internets by yours truly.
-much Love, Jorge
Since we spend an obscene amount of time in bathroom stalls here are some helpful ideas to pass the time, namely by annoying the person in the stall next to yours. Enjoy!
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
Shamelessly borrowed from: www.bathroomjokes.com
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Sunday, March 13, 2011
I gots nothing so instead I give you this...
In the midst of a rather busy week and time change I have not had the time of think up of a topic for a new blog post and as always any suggestions are highly appreciated. So here's this!
So you have an IBD.
Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
INT:
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
INT:
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
INT:
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
Bob:
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
Mom:
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
Bob:
But mom!
Mom
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
INT:
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
INT:
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Doctor:
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
Bob:
A what?
Doctor
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
Bob:(panicked)
You want to stick a what in my what?
Doctor:
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Bob:
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
Doctor:
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Doctor:
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
INT:
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
INT:
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
I said FRUIT DRINK.
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Speaker:
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Bob:
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
Speaker:
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
Int:
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Int:
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Bob:
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Int:
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Nurse:
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Bob:
Soooo how big is this camera?
Nurse:
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Nurse:
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Doctor:
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
Int:
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Int:
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.
To be continued…
So you have an IBD.
Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
INT:
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
INT:
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
INT:
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
Bob:
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
Mom:
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
Bob:
But mom!
Mom
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
INT:
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
INT:
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Doctor:
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
Bob:
A what?
Doctor
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
Bob:(panicked)
You want to stick a what in my what?
Doctor:
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Bob:
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
Doctor:
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Doctor:
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
INT:
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
INT:
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
I said FRUIT DRINK.
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Speaker:
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Bob:
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
Speaker:
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
Int:
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Int:
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Bob:
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Int:
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Nurse:
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Bob:
Soooo how big is this camera?
Nurse:
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Nurse:
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Doctor:
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
Int:
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Int:
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.
To be continued…
Labels:
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Sunday, March 6, 2011
Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack
*Excerpts from "Real-Life Advice for Handling a Sudden Crohn's Attack" by Connie Brichford
While Crohn’s disease has a wide range of symptoms and affects each person differently, most people with Crohn's do share the need to use the bathroom frequently throughout the day. And that presents unique issues — bathroom accessibility and the ability to clean up after an attack being two big ones.
Crohn’s Disease: Start by Preventing Attacks
Pack extra medications in your tote or knapsack and keep a supply at your desk at work.
Medications are sometimes overlooked in the rush to find your keys and make a commuter bus or train. But properly following all facets of your treatment plan, including taking needed medications, is what keeps you feeling good.[Ed:I always have backup pills in my car because I know that I forget to take them from time to time.]
Crohn’s Disease: Managing in Public
-Always know where bathrooms are located.[Ed:This needs to be repeated over and over]
-Carry a change of underwear. [Ed: I have a nice little overnight pack in my car with extra underwear, a shirt and shorts and socks]
-Always have your own tissues or toilet paper. [Ed: The first aid kit in my car has a roll of TP. They also sell travel TP that will fit in backpacks, purses and even your pocket. Usually about a dollar in the travel section in pharmacies and retail stores]
Crohn’s Disease: Sharing Your Situation
Finding the balance between confidentiality and disclosure can be hard. The nature of Crohn’s attacks makes them an awkward topic of conversation, but you want people to know enough about your condition so that they understand why you might have to run to the restroom. [It] helps to tell close friends mostly so they don’t worry, or think it’s weird when [you] have to go to the bathroom all the time.
Deciding who to tell will also depend on your personal school or work situation. [P]eople who must ask to use the restroom, like schoolchildren, or whose jobs require someone else to cover for them when they take a break, might benefit from telling the appropriate people — a manager, co-workers, or teachers.
Public attacks can be among the most upsetting situations for those with Crohn’s disease, but being prepared will allow you to handle them without becoming overwhelmed and without the fear of drawing unwanted attention to yourself.
-see full text at http://www.everydayhealth.com/crohns-disease/crohns-disease-attack-advice.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthLivingWithCrohnsDisease_20110301
While Crohn’s disease has a wide range of symptoms and affects each person differently, most people with Crohn's do share the need to use the bathroom frequently throughout the day. And that presents unique issues — bathroom accessibility and the ability to clean up after an attack being two big ones.
Crohn’s Disease: Start by Preventing Attacks
Pack extra medications in your tote or knapsack and keep a supply at your desk at work.
Medications are sometimes overlooked in the rush to find your keys and make a commuter bus or train. But properly following all facets of your treatment plan, including taking needed medications, is what keeps you feeling good.[Ed:I always have backup pills in my car because I know that I forget to take them from time to time.]
Crohn’s Disease: Managing in Public
-Always know where bathrooms are located.[Ed:This needs to be repeated over and over]
-Carry a change of underwear. [Ed: I have a nice little overnight pack in my car with extra underwear, a shirt and shorts and socks]
-Always have your own tissues or toilet paper. [Ed: The first aid kit in my car has a roll of TP. They also sell travel TP that will fit in backpacks, purses and even your pocket. Usually about a dollar in the travel section in pharmacies and retail stores]
Crohn’s Disease: Sharing Your Situation
Finding the balance between confidentiality and disclosure can be hard. The nature of Crohn’s attacks makes them an awkward topic of conversation, but you want people to know enough about your condition so that they understand why you might have to run to the restroom. [It] helps to tell close friends mostly so they don’t worry, or think it’s weird when [you] have to go to the bathroom all the time.
Deciding who to tell will also depend on your personal school or work situation. [P]eople who must ask to use the restroom, like schoolchildren, or whose jobs require someone else to cover for them when they take a break, might benefit from telling the appropriate people — a manager, co-workers, or teachers.
Public attacks can be among the most upsetting situations for those with Crohn’s disease, but being prepared will allow you to handle them without becoming overwhelmed and without the fear of drawing unwanted attention to yourself.
-see full text at http://www.everydayhealth.com/crohns-disease/crohns-disease-attack-advice.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthLivingWithCrohnsDisease_20110301
Labels:
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Jackie and her splendidly wonderful fundraiser idea.
As some of you may or may not know we are attempting to raise money for the Take Steps walk. As some of you may or may not know our very much loved and appreciated Jackie is in the hospital sad and depressed SO BE SURE TO SEND HER A GET WELL CARD! But more importantly she has an idea for a potential fundraiser. Did she ever tell you guys how she ended up in the hospital? No? Well this is how.
See shortly after the last time we saw her she decided to go on a pirate cruise, not so much for leisure but for business. See she was intent on raising funds for our little Poo Crew and discovered the whereabouts of Scratchy Poo's hidden treasure. And so she gathered a motley crew of deviants, misfits, and mimes and went off in search of this legendary and fabled treasure. And guess what? SHE FOUND IT! She loaded her ships and returned and took her clearly won bounty directly to the CCFA offices only to discover that they took neither Paypal nor pirate treasure. And so she had to come up with an alternative plan. And that's how she came up with her fundraising idea (click link). That's right she is going to sell and peddle and exchange her hard earned booty (not that one you pervs)for currency that the CCFA will gladly take in order to give kudos and accolades to our little Crew of Poo.
So please shoot her out feedback on if you would like to participate in this venture or possibly any other future ventures that she may have in sailing the seven seas and the oceans blue in search of lost and hidden treasure to further help our cause.
As for how she got sick? Well that's a tale for another time my friends.
See shortly after the last time we saw her she decided to go on a pirate cruise, not so much for leisure but for business. See she was intent on raising funds for our little Poo Crew and discovered the whereabouts of Scratchy Poo's hidden treasure. And so she gathered a motley crew of deviants, misfits, and mimes and went off in search of this legendary and fabled treasure. And guess what? SHE FOUND IT! She loaded her ships and returned and took her clearly won bounty directly to the CCFA offices only to discover that they took neither Paypal nor pirate treasure. And so she had to come up with an alternative plan. And that's how she came up with her fundraising idea (click link). That's right she is going to sell and peddle and exchange her hard earned booty (not that one you pervs)for currency that the CCFA will gladly take in order to give kudos and accolades to our little Crew of Poo.
So please shoot her out feedback on if you would like to participate in this venture or possibly any other future ventures that she may have in sailing the seven seas and the oceans blue in search of lost and hidden treasure to further help our cause.
As for how she got sick? Well that's a tale for another time my friends.
Labels:
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Sunday, February 20, 2011
So you think you have a flare up
You wake up one morning and your gut is hurting, you rush to the bathroom and know that this is the beginning of an all day tribute to the porcelain god. You wonder what you can do, that is other than stock up on magazines, Gatorade and set up an Internet line to your toilet. Here are a few suggestions, keep in mind that every individual is different so something that works for someone may not work for someone else.
1. Dietary:
A light diet may be helpful, broth, jello, decaffeinated teas and Gatorade. Remember you will be losing liquids, minerals and electrolytes that need to be replenished. Even if you think that it's a good idea to avoid food because it may cut down on bowel movements it's not. If anything it can lead to dehydration, mineral deficiency and possible anemia. That doesn't mean that you should order a bucket of KFC friend skins and down it all with a gallon of cola but instead make conscious food choices that will help you see what you can and can't tolerate in order to avoid those foods in the future.
2. Exercise:
I know you want to curl up in bed, on the couch, in the tub, or on the toilet and die but don't. Try to get minimal exercise in order to promote digestion and healing. I'm not talking about running a triathlon, conquering Everest or cycling the Tour de France, but walk around the block, walk to dog, or take care of any low impact chores that may get your mind off the pain in the ass that is a flare up. Trust me it's good for you.
3. Clothing:
Dark clothing, dark underwear, NO WHITES. Because there is nothing more embarrassing than people informing you that you accidentally sat on a 99 cent burrito from Taco Bell. It's bad. I am aware that many of us would rather not leave the home when a flare up occurs but in case you have to, for say an emergency such as saving the world because your PIN number happens to be the code that the alien invaders need to avoid wiping us out, well then dress comfortable, but not in such a fashion that someone may mistake you for an animated pile of laundry.
4. Dating:
Cancel the date. No seriously, cancel. Tell them that your car blew up, that you were abducted by space pirates, that you were drafted to fight the war on bad literature turned into horrible movies, anything to get you out but that will still allow you to have a second chance date. Unless they are aware of your condition and are willing to come over and nurse you to health, in that case then play the sympathy cards. Results may vary.
5. Meds:
Yes we all hate taking them, we all hate the side-effects but even during the worse of flare-ups do not fall into the temptation to self medicate and double your doses hoping it will clear things up. It probably won't work and may instead cause your symptoms too worsen. Take your medications as directed unless told otherwise by your GI. That's your GI and not the guy across the street named Doc X who got his GED in Medicine from Online Diploma Mill U. It doesn't work that way. So take as directed and if things get really, really bad then it's off to the ER for you.
6. "Herbal remedies":
Yes as someone with an IBD you qualify for a card. Yes you live in state where you can get said card and remedies. I am neither for nor against them as they may or may not work in relieving pain and other ailments related to IBDs. But if you choose this path remember to have plenty of light snacking materials around as well as plenty of electrolyte replenishing liquids as the ensuing munchies may give you the desire to eat anything in sight. The liquid replenishment is for the liquid to be lost when your body realized that you just ate everything in sight.
7. Transportation:
If you haven't already try to get a handicapped placard or plate. This will help in case that you have to leave home to buy something. If possible get a driver but that can't always be helped. I know that some will find it strange to get a disabled person placard but it comes in handy in cases where your body needs to go and there is nowhere to park. Trust me on this. It's also helpful at sporting events, crowded malls on Black Friday and at Disneyland. Use it responsibly.
8. Alcohol:
Avoid during a flare. I don't care what the French say, avoid it. It's bad. Trust me on this.
9. Toilet paper:
This is a tricky issue since even the softest most gentle of toilet papers will turn into sandpaper if used at the frequency that it's used during a flare up. Therefore I suggest a combination of baby wipes, soft toilet paper and if possible getting a bidet seat or sprayer for your toilet. Your butt will thank you and that will be more than enough to offset the cost.
10. Friends:
Have them come over and throw a bathroom party. Play games, watch movies and come up with healthy food choices for you. I know that this sounds silly and may work better for women than men but hell guys can throw a sports themed one.
I am aware that when you are flaring you just want to die but all the same we have to try to break away from the anti-social aspects of our disease and conquer it instead of letting it conquer us. We have to own our disease, no matter how hard it is, no matter how daunting it may seem you can do it and live as normal of a life as you want it to be.
1. Dietary:
A light diet may be helpful, broth, jello, decaffeinated teas and Gatorade. Remember you will be losing liquids, minerals and electrolytes that need to be replenished. Even if you think that it's a good idea to avoid food because it may cut down on bowel movements it's not. If anything it can lead to dehydration, mineral deficiency and possible anemia. That doesn't mean that you should order a bucket of KFC friend skins and down it all with a gallon of cola but instead make conscious food choices that will help you see what you can and can't tolerate in order to avoid those foods in the future.
2. Exercise:
I know you want to curl up in bed, on the couch, in the tub, or on the toilet and die but don't. Try to get minimal exercise in order to promote digestion and healing. I'm not talking about running a triathlon, conquering Everest or cycling the Tour de France, but walk around the block, walk to dog, or take care of any low impact chores that may get your mind off the pain in the ass that is a flare up. Trust me it's good for you.
3. Clothing:
Dark clothing, dark underwear, NO WHITES. Because there is nothing more embarrassing than people informing you that you accidentally sat on a 99 cent burrito from Taco Bell. It's bad. I am aware that many of us would rather not leave the home when a flare up occurs but in case you have to, for say an emergency such as saving the world because your PIN number happens to be the code that the alien invaders need to avoid wiping us out, well then dress comfortable, but not in such a fashion that someone may mistake you for an animated pile of laundry.
4. Dating:
Cancel the date. No seriously, cancel. Tell them that your car blew up, that you were abducted by space pirates, that you were drafted to fight the war on bad literature turned into horrible movies, anything to get you out but that will still allow you to have a second chance date. Unless they are aware of your condition and are willing to come over and nurse you to health, in that case then play the sympathy cards. Results may vary.
5. Meds:
Yes we all hate taking them, we all hate the side-effects but even during the worse of flare-ups do not fall into the temptation to self medicate and double your doses hoping it will clear things up. It probably won't work and may instead cause your symptoms too worsen. Take your medications as directed unless told otherwise by your GI. That's your GI and not the guy across the street named Doc X who got his GED in Medicine from Online Diploma Mill U. It doesn't work that way. So take as directed and if things get really, really bad then it's off to the ER for you.
6. "Herbal remedies":
Yes as someone with an IBD you qualify for a card. Yes you live in state where you can get said card and remedies. I am neither for nor against them as they may or may not work in relieving pain and other ailments related to IBDs. But if you choose this path remember to have plenty of light snacking materials around as well as plenty of electrolyte replenishing liquids as the ensuing munchies may give you the desire to eat anything in sight. The liquid replenishment is for the liquid to be lost when your body realized that you just ate everything in sight.
7. Transportation:
If you haven't already try to get a handicapped placard or plate. This will help in case that you have to leave home to buy something. If possible get a driver but that can't always be helped. I know that some will find it strange to get a disabled person placard but it comes in handy in cases where your body needs to go and there is nowhere to park. Trust me on this. It's also helpful at sporting events, crowded malls on Black Friday and at Disneyland. Use it responsibly.
8. Alcohol:
Avoid during a flare. I don't care what the French say, avoid it. It's bad. Trust me on this.
9. Toilet paper:
This is a tricky issue since even the softest most gentle of toilet papers will turn into sandpaper if used at the frequency that it's used during a flare up. Therefore I suggest a combination of baby wipes, soft toilet paper and if possible getting a bidet seat or sprayer for your toilet. Your butt will thank you and that will be more than enough to offset the cost.
10. Friends:
Have them come over and throw a bathroom party. Play games, watch movies and come up with healthy food choices for you. I know that this sounds silly and may work better for women than men but hell guys can throw a sports themed one.
I am aware that when you are flaring you just want to die but all the same we have to try to break away from the anti-social aspects of our disease and conquer it instead of letting it conquer us. We have to own our disease, no matter how hard it is, no matter how daunting it may seem you can do it and live as normal of a life as you want it to be.
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Friday, February 11, 2011
A commercial break
And now for a word from one of our non sponsors:
The "Swash" bidet toilet seat from Brondell will guarantee a better and different toilet experience. With three different flavors to choose from all with reasonable prices they will not only save you money on toilet paper but also ensure that every trip to the bathroom is like a trip to your own personal tropical waterfall and masseuse.*
So remember if you want to treat your tooshie right, treat it with a Swash bidet toilet seat from Brondell!
*actual results may vary.
Swash bidet toilet seats by Brondell.
The "Swash" bidet toilet seat from Brondell will guarantee a better and different toilet experience. With three different flavors to choose from all with reasonable prices they will not only save you money on toilet paper but also ensure that every trip to the bathroom is like a trip to your own personal tropical waterfall and masseuse.*
So remember if you want to treat your tooshie right, treat it with a Swash bidet toilet seat from Brondell!
*actual results may vary.
Swash bidet toilet seats by Brondell.
Labels:
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