Today is...

In honor of today being Charlie Chaplin's Birthday I have decided to post more colonoscopy comedy by known comedians. Some mild language, enjoy!

Upcoming Comedy Event for Take Steps LA

Our CCFA Cousins in L.A. are throwing a comedy event together that is guaranteed to be a night full of laughter, fun and enjoyment. If you are free that night please consider buying tickets in order to not only support them but so that they too can return the favor when we start promoting our own events. You can buy tickets for a slightly discounted price, all relevant contact and event information are below.

From the CCFA:
Thursday, May 19, 2011, 8 PM
HOLLYWOOD IMPROV
8162 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Take Steps Los Angeles will be hosting a hilarious night out, featuring Ben Morrison, a comedian unlike any performer you've ever seen. $25 per person and a $5 discount if you buy at the Take Steps Kick-off event. Email ashaif@ccfa.org for tickets. Proceeds benefit the Take Steps Walk Campaign for a Cure.

GI Jokes and Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

From: www.medical-jokes.com

Terrible Constipation
A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.

The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.

2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.

The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.

“So why the long face?” asked the doctor.

“Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock ! ! !” replied the patient.

Every Time I Fart, It Sounds Like the Word Honda

This guy went to the doctor and said to him “Doctor….I don’t know
what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word
HONDA”.

“That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you
think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.”
And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.

After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say
“HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man
to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up
the guys mouth and examining it.

The dentist says “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.”

The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”…..The
dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”

The guy says “Yeah….so….What has that got to do with my farts?”

The dentist replies, “Cant you see??….. Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”

Every Time He Spoke, He Farted

A man went to the doctor complaining that every time he spoke, he farted.

“You must (FFFaaaart….) help me, Doc. Its extremely (whwhwhiiiiffffle…) embarrassing. The only (Phhheeeeeeooooowwww….) saving grace is that the farts don’t (sssssphphrrrrrroophphphphphph….) smell.”

“Hmm!” said the doctor, “I’ll have to send you to a specialist.”

“Will that be a gastro-enterologist (Faaaaaaart) or a surgeon?” said the patient.

“Neither,” said the doctor. “I’m sending you to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist. If you think those farts don’t smell, then you’ve got something wrong with your nose ! !”

All The Parts of the Body Argued Over Who Would be Boss

Who’s the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days…

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…

Just an Arsehole.

You knew it was coming.... "C. Diff.:" A Tik Tok Parody

I think that this song is only marginally better than the original. As catchy as it may be I doubt it will ever make the Top 40.

Don't forget to bring your ink cartridges and used cellphones to tomorrow's support group meeting!!!

Poo song! Bonus Points: Colits and Poo Song! Triple Bonus Points: A Beatles Colitis Poo Song!

"Susy in the Loo with Diarrhee," by Susanna Viljanen; a parody of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" by The Beatles

Picture yourself with your bottom on fire,
With knot on your gut and a pain in your eyes
Toilet now calls you, you get there so quickly
- A girl with colitis goes by.

You empty your bowel of yellow and green
Contents of metabolism -
Look at the mirror, it's pain in your eyes
And poo comes -

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)

Ah... Ah...

Follow the symptoms of gastroent'ritis
Nausea with taste of vomit in mouth
Oligopeptides come trickling the taste-buds
They come up to harass and tout.

Loopaper reels are consumed oh so quickly
The stench is incredibly stark
Climb on the john with your rear end in fire
And it comes...

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)

Ah... Ah...

Picture yourself with no carbohydrates
Reduction on lactose and no chocolate pies
Drink just warm water and antibiotics -
The girl with colitis goes by

Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)
Susy in the loo with diarrhee - (Diarrhee!)




Courtesy of

Update and More

We are currently at $865.00 with a bit over a hundred days left to go. Guys I know we can do this and are doing okay especially since the bulk of donations tend to come as we get closer to the event. And today being St. Patrick's Day I was involved in a Leprechaun hunt at work where I was enlisted to find the whereabouts of 24 missing Leprechauns that had escaped from the compound that they were held at and were being studied for since 1971.

And in celebration of St. Patrick's Day here are some Leprechaun jokes. They may or may not be poo related, it all depends on what the Internets give me.

Poop, Shut up and Manners from-Joke Buddha

One day a couple of kids named "Poop", "Shut-Up", and "Manners" were on a bus. All of a sudden Poop falls out of the window! Manners jumps out of the bus to save him.
So, Shut-Up runs to the bus driver to get some help. The bus driver asks him,
"What's your name?!"
"Shut-Up."
At this point the bus driver is mad. He asks, "Where are your manners?!"
Shut-Up replies,
"Outside picking up Poop."


Two lil Leprechauns...

Two lil leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, mother superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here"
"all right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"
"Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of."
"Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any Midget nuns?"
"No, I would'nt - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "well, I told you so...you've been dating a Penguin."

The United Kingdom

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across an old Whiskey bottle and a Leprechaun pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Leprechaun.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Leprechaun's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Leprechaun's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Leprechaun explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

They Told Me There Would Be No Math

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test.
The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine." The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" "Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"

Good News and Bad News

Good News: So far we have raised $825.00 for the Poo Crew!
Bad News: More bad jokes stolen from the Internets by yours truly.
-much Love, Jorge

Since we spend an obscene amount of time in bathroom stalls here are some helpful ideas to pass the time, namely by annoying the person in the stall next to yours. Enjoy!

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

Shamelessly borrowed from: www.bathroomjokes.com

I gots nothing so instead I give you this...

In the midst of a rather busy week and time change I have not had the time of think up of a topic for a new blog post and as always any suggestions are highly appreciated. So here's this!

So you have an IBD.

Interior scene [INT]:
50s PSA style room. A desk, lamp and chair are only furniture. Diploma is the only decoration on wall. Man wearing lab coat enters, nicely groomed wearing glasses.
PSA narrator:
You wake up one morning with pain in your tummy and the sudden sensation to relieve yourself. Having taken a bowel movement you look at the toilet paper and you happen to see blood. Perhaps you are too young to have your period or perhaps you are male but either way you know that something is terribly wrong. You wonder what the next step you can take is, do you run screaming to your parents, roommate or significant other?
INT:
Messy and cluttered college dorm room. Young man enters bathroom wearing only underwear and dirty crusty shirt, roommate is draped on couch pizza boxes and beer bottles litter the room.
Young man runs out of bathroom screaming dragging toilet paper, college roommates look on with amusement and puzzlement one turns to look at the other.
Roommate 1:
Whoa someone ate the worm last night
Roommate 2:
Yah. Man I’m hungry.
INT:
Back to public service announcement.
PSA narrator:
Or perhaps do you think things out rationally and consult you medical professional.
INT:
Shot of young man with phone in hand talking to mother.
Bob:
So yeah mom I’m bleeding whenever I go to the bathroom, I don’t know what it is.
Mom:
What did I tell you about eating right and about those hussies you hang out with!
Bob:
But mom!
Mom
Don’t “But mom” me young man. Now go to church and ask for forgiveness.
INT:
PSA narrator’s office.
PSA narrator:
I said medical professional
INT:
Exam room, doctor looking over clipboard and examining Bob.
Doctor:
Bob I think I may know what you may have but in order to be sure I’m going to need to give you a colonoscopy.
Bob:
A what?
Doctor
A colonoscopy, it’s a simply procedure where I take a camera attached to a long hose and insert it in your anus in order to see what is going on in your colon.
Bob:(panicked)
You want to stick a what in my what?
Doctor:
There is nothing to worry about, it only takes about 15 minutes and we do put you under so you won’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Bob:
That’s what I am worried about! Can’t you take an x-ray or MRI or something less… less intrusive?
Doctor:
I understand your concern but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about but this is the only way that we can get a good close look at the colon to make sure that nothing is wrong with it. If there was another way then I would prefer it but sadly there is no other.
Bob (dejected):
Fine I guess I’ll have to do it.
Doctor:
Good! Now there is some prep work you have to do before the procedure but don’t worry it’s nothing to worry about.
INT:
PSA narrator:
If your doctor feels that he must perform a colonoscopy and you are not eligible to be a member of AARP then something may just be wrong with your colon. But never fear this simple procedure is rather routine and chances of anything going wrong are relatively slim. But before we worry about this procedure we must first begin to prep work.
INT:
Bob in pharmacy in laxative aisle holding box fleets enema
PSA Narrator:
The first step in your prep work is thorough cleansing. There are various ways to go about this, there is phosphosoda a delightful carbonated like drink that works as a super laxative. However it is rather strong…
Show Bob making face as he chugs small bottle
PSA narrator:
So it should be diluted in your favorite fruit drink or in water. It even comes in a wide selection of flavors including and limited to lemon and cherry.
Show Bob diluting phosphosoda with beer.
PSA narrator:
I said FRUIT DRINK.
Bob breaks fourth wall and gives camera a shrug and a sheepish grin.
PSA narrator:
Once you have drank all of this delightful concoction you are advised to stay home and relax as it would be rather inconvenient and possibly embarrassing for you if you are out and about when the laxative takes effect.
External scene [EXT]:
Bob waiting at a taco fast food drive through ready to order food.
Speaker:
Welcome to Taco Cabana can I take your order?
Bob:
Yeah I’ll have a large cola, a mondo taco and a (stomach begins grumbling) oh man I need to take a crap! (holds stomach as abdominal pains begin)
Speaker:
So that will be large cola, a mondo taco and a muy grande bean and chili burrito. That will be $5.83 drive on up sir!
Int:
PSA Office: PSA narrator looks up from what looks like a burrito and cola lunch
PSA narrator:
It is advised that you stay right at home and relax and let nature take its course.
Int:
Dorm room show Bob running into bathroom and slamming door shoot. Grunting sounds and moans can be heard from the other side.
Bob:
Oh god why? Why? Ughhhh (moan as he passes gas) Why?
Roommates crowd around door and try listening in while trying not to laugh, camera slowly pans away to nearby clock. Time lapse to several hours later.
PSA narrator:
Now that the bowels are clean it is time to truly relax as you wait for your colonoscopy. Remember to get plenty of rest and sleep as you will have a long day.
Int:
Hospital pre-op room. Sterile environment with several gurneys. People of different ages and sexes on each gurney each waiting for their colonoscopy.
PSA narrator:
The day of your colonoscopy has finally arrived! Here in the pre-op room various nurses and technicians will prep you before you go inside. Look around you will see that people of all ages and sexes are awaiting the procedure so see there is nothing to worry about. It is in here where you will finish any final paperwork, verify your medical history as well as address any final concerns. Remember once your clothes are off and the gown is on there is no going back!
Nurse:
Honey there is nothing to worry about. Do you have any questions?
Bob:
Soooo how big is this camera?
Nurse:
Oh it’s not that big, it’s only about six feet long.
Bob (turns pale, blood pressure on monitor drops):
How long?
Nurse:
Don’t worry hon, they use plenty of lube. (sound of bell ringing, strobe light over door flashes) Oh look it’s now your turn to go in!
Fade to black show groggy patient eye camera showing nurses putting scuba gear on doctor
Doctor:
Alright ladies I’m about to go in, wish me the luck!
Grabs large camera with one hand and harpoon with the other, shaking camera looks on over to clock, fade to black. Restore on clock 20 minutes later with groggy patient view camera show nurse rolling up an impressively large but slimy fire fighting hose. Eyes close, re-open show nurse overlooking a monitor.
Int:
PSA room, show PSA narrator sitting on corner of desktop looking at a chart, he looks up at camera and slowly removes glasses with one hand as he looks at camera.
PSA narrator:
Once complete the procedure can tell your medical practitioner if you have an IBD, a strange growth or one of many different things that can occur in the colon. However as it does take time to fully evaluate your results you may not hear anything specific for a few days.
Int:
Lab technician office where two lab techs are looking over stacks of pictures, reports and other medical records while consuming pizza and colas and stamping records at their own leisure with random stamps. Show Bob’s records with one of the techs stamping it with a big red “IBD” stamp.

To be continued…

Jokes from the deep dark recesses of the Internets

Humor is always important to keep and maintain in order to make it through the horrific ordeals that we must endure. Personally I have always enjoyed gallows humor also known as dark humor but with my condition I took on dark toilet humor which in itself leaves interesting visuals in one's mind. Regardless of my taste in humor here are a few selections I have shamelessly stolen from the Internet. Please feel and contribute any jokes you may have heard or simply wish to share.

Seen on a personal ad in a local paper (or the Internet):
Single man, 31, seeks female companion for recreational surgery. Twice denied for life insurance--you must be financially secure. Enjoy reading (pathology reports), sleeping-in (hospital beds) and experimenting with drugs. No salad eaters, please.

How can you tell a Crohn's patient apart from other patients when they are sleeping?
- I don't know
- The one lying on the left side with their right knee up!!

The perfect car for those with an IBD