All of us eventually run into experience the wonderful feeling of having to go to the bathroom while being away from the safety of our own porcelain throne. It's at times like this that we must make the quick decision of where to go to heed the call of nature. This can vary depending on if you are out shopping versus if you are at a concert or even in the great outdoors. Regardless of location the situation is the same. You need to poo and you need to poo soon. And so for your mild entertainment I provide you with the where to poo and where not to poo list for the many different situations that you might find yourself in.
1. The supermarket/grocery store/most farmer's markets:
Most if not all of these establishments have an accessible bathroom that is often clean and well maintained due to the large volume of people that they tend to experience on a day to day basis. This may not apply to smaller stores but the management in those is often more than willing to accommodate you lest they want to start an E.coli colony in their produce section.
2. At church/church function/ funeral/ wedding/baptism, etc.:
God will understand if you have to miss part of any of these events due to the urgency to poo. And if not then he's a bastard because he's the one that stuck you with the urgency in the first place. Make sure to tell that to anyone that questions your need to leave halfway through the pastor's sermon.
3. A restaurant:
With the exception of taco stands, lunch trucks and Subway most of not all restaurants will have a restroom. In case you have to go and they inform you that only paying customers can use the restroom then drop a dollar bill on the counter, tell them that it's for a cup or bottle of water and grab the key. I actually did this once while looking at stars in Hollywood. The lady was nice and looking at the number of weirdos, tourists and homeless super heroes in the area I don't blame her.
4. Camping:
Does a bear...? You know the answer and the extended answer is that they sell awesomely portable toilets online and in camping/sporting goods stores ranging in price from $18 clear up to a couple hundred depending on its look, portability and waste storage and disposal features. I recommend buying one if you have the chance, you never know when you will need one.
5. School:
There are laws on your side regarding this for public K-12. You can talk to your professor as well as the disabled students services on most if not all Jr/Community colleges as well as full time universities if there is an issue with you leaving to go use the bathroom.
6. At a concert:
If an outdoor concert then use the portables, however as most concerts have more people than portables I recommend training your body to go at the point when there is less traffic at the portable, namely just as the concert is starting. Eat light so that you minimize how many times you go, or get a doctor's note and take your own toilet and stall.
If an outdoor concert then the same applies, since smoking is not allowed indoors in California most people will enter and leave in order to take care of this need and as long as you have your ticket an wristband you should be fine to do the same. If this is not possible talk to the security guy and let him know what is going on and see if he cuts you a break.
7.At a sporting event:
Plenty of bathrooms, and hell most people are so smashed by the end of the game that they probably won't notice if you have an accident.
8. While driving:
Pull over, drop trou, go. But using a camping toilet is probably a bit more hygienic and comfortable.
9. On a flight:
Get an aisle seat and talk to the flight attendants to let them know that you may have the need to use the bathroom more often than not. They may allow you to use the first class bathroom, the staff bathroom and possibly even go when no one is allowed to leave their seat.
10: At a hospital:
I know that this shouldn't be a problem but I am putting this here because of a personal experience. My grandmother spent her last days at St. Vincent's in Los Angeles and one day that I went to visit her I had the sudden urge to evacuate. The men's bathroom was nearby but was unfortunately closed due to repairs, the nearest bathroom was on the second floor. Sensing a rapidly approaching emergency I ran into the woman's bathroom, went inside the corner stall and did what I had to do. However just as I finished two women walked into the bathroom forcing me to stay there for a slightly longer period of time than I would have liked. Thankfully after they left no one else entered and I was able to egress with as minimal embarrassment as possible.
Which brings me to my next point. Ladies don't be afraid to use a men's bathroom, most men will give you a quick look, shrug, give a grunt and finish their business, men I don't recommend you go use a woman's bathroom unless you have a spotter and permission. Sorry those are the rules I don't write them.
Lastly here is my checklist for things to carry in your car if possible.
Overnight bag with a change of clothing and extra medications.
A toothbrush, not for brushing your teeth but for brushing "stuff" that may be stuck on a public toilet.
An extra roll of toilet paper as well as travel toilet paper.
Hand sanitizer and/or alcohol wipes.
Latex or latex free disposable gloves.
A travel or camping toilet.
Paper towels, cloth towels or mechanic rags.
A gallon of water, not for drinking purposes.
A can of deodorant or air freshener.
